Finding Our Way
Quarantine life has been HARD. In the beginning the stay at home order felt nice, everyone home together. Then, monotonous. Lately, downright difficult. Over the past two weeks I could feel myself slipping into a depression. Knowing it was happening and simultaneously paralyzed, unable to do anything about it. That’s how depression works. I call it one of life’s greatest mind-fucks.
Logically speaking I can feel it happening and know precisely what I need to do to pull myself from its grip. Physically though, it feels as if I’m lugging an extra 500 pounds around, making life much more difficult, no matter what it is I am trying to do. Making it through a Netflix session… intolerable. Yoga… forget about it. Reading… only if a fifteen minute session will suffice. As a matter of fact, the only thing I have seemed to be able to complete lately are twenty to thirty minute podcast intervals while walking. Occupying my mind and body simultaneously does the trick… at least for a bit.
As I discussed this with my psychologist a few days ago we came up with a plan. I would remind myself of the activities that would help lift me out of my depression each day, until the pressure built up enough to pop the cap off that beautiful bottle of bubbly that is life, allowing me to enter into daily activities again.. even if only for short visits. There is another strategy. It’s one I first heard described many years ago as acting your way into a feeling. When employed a person commits to five minutes of doing the thing they know will help lift their spirits, whether they feel like it or not. The thought is that after five minutes the individual may feel inspired to continue longer or will at least be boosted enough to re-engage again later. While I’m sure this method works for some, it feels like a load of horse shit to me. I’m not being insensitive. I just can’t seem to force myself to do anything I’m not ready to do, even for five minutes. My method is more of an inside out approach. I must first come to an understanding of what’s going on within, my needs in relation to that experience, and then an intuitive nudge toward action. From this space I feel complete alignment between body, mind, spirit, and my desire. This is the space from which I can take action. That action may still take the form of baby steps toward the big picture. However, it feels authentic and guided, rather than forced.
So, with this process in mind, I kept thinking about the thing I really wanted to do, but had no energy to actually begin. Writing. Thoughts, ideas, even sentences had been swirling around my head for weeks. I simply couldn’t find the energy to open my laptop or bring my fingers to type one. single. word. So, I kept thinking about how good it would feel to write until today… the tipping point. I finally felt energized and motivated enough to follow through. Success.
The point of this post is to simply remind you to take your time. Lean in. Breathe. Rest. Take breaks. Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. A ten minute walk is better than sitting on the couch all day. Popping a pizza in the oven is better than chips or candy for dinner. Expanding your knowledge for 15 minutes is better than no learning at all.
Be gentle with yourself. We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world, doing some really hard shit right now. Don’t let the memes judging you for your anger or frustration around being called to sit on your couch bring you down. We may not be fighting a literal war, but our nervous systems are likely on high alert, meaning we must be extra diligent in how we care for ourselves and one another. We quite suddenly had shift into a new way of being. Change generally takes time, but we were not given time to make this change. We suddenly had to start living life in an extremely different way. That takes a toll. We see the impacts on bare grocery shelves and feel it in the closure of the very places that once brought us comfort and joy. We are strong, resilient, and we can do challenging things. That doesn’t mean we won’t have struggles along the way. Both are true.
So, I’ll say it again. Be easy with yourself. If you are feeling depressed, take some time to sit with a process that works for you. Authenticity matters. There are plenty of good ideas to consider; only you know the variation that feels right for you. As always, reach out to a mental health professional if support feels helpful, and most certainly if the darkness is getting too deep. Big love to you and yours. Hang in there!
XOXO ~Amanda
