It’s taken what feels like forever to write this post. This is actually take three. I just had to find a space of internal clarity before I could share my experience and perspective with all of you. In order to do that I’ve spent the last few weeks reminding myself of the principles I teach and deeply believe. I’ve been practicing these principles, deeply feeling every emotion, inviting them to the surface one by one, staying in the pain for a bit, seeking to understand, and then, eventually, moving through the feelings or perhaps allowing them to move through me. I can now begin to see that the inner turmoil was a gift, offering a new relationship with and understanding for the spirit realm and all that I teach. It’s been a trying month and hopefully knowing I too get shaken and have to come back to what I teach will encourage you to keep going when times are tough.

It all started with our move to Florida. Unlike many “big” moves, this one was 100% initiated by us (mainly me). Our jobs didn’t send us to a new location. We weren’t catapulted here by some major life event. We made this decision from the inside out, just as I teach all of you. We simply did what felt “right,” following our intuition, trusting in ourselves and the divine.

It wasn’t until after we got to Florida, had lived in a hotel for weeks on end, and realized we were unhappy with the choice we had made for our son’s school that it started feeling like more of a shot in the dark than a divinely guided decision. In the beginning I was so sure of what we were doing - packing everything up in Ohio, driving to Florida, staying in a hotel until we found a house, finding a school for Jagger. It sounded like one big adventure and I was completely on board, trusting, believing, knowing that all would be well. Then, life happened and the real adventure began. That is, the spiritual work, the shit that none of us want to go through, the stuff that triggers our every insecurity and on a primal level causes us to feel as if death is imminent. Had I known on a conscious level that asking for an adventure would look like this I’m not sure what I would’ve done. I’d like to believe I still would’ve chosen this path and perhaps that is exactly what happened because it’s hard for me to believe that no part of me knew this was coming. I actually believe I had a deep knowing that I needed this experience, even if I didn’t know everything it would entail, and that is why I chose anyway. Thankfully, I did. I simply believed, and that is what gave me the opportunity to grow even more gratitude, trust, and appreciation than I had a month or two ago. That is what allowed me to see that sometimes I too get caught up in what I want, blocking blessings of the divine.

See, when our lives get turned upside down it doesn’t necessarily feel good. We aren’t usually like “Oh my god, thank you universe for putting me through complete hell. I love it!” However, if we can stick with it we will come out stronger and more appreciative, knowing we had the exact experience we needed for personal growth and transformation. We will have a new level of humility and graciousness that is a true gift to the world and those around us. We will operate on a different vibration., one that is less selfish and more patient. We will have a new level of love to offer and what could be better than that? Honestly, the last month was the most uncomfortable space I could possibly imagine and yet, I was, and still am, so supported, safe, and unconditionally loved that looking back on it overwhelms me. As horrific as the experience felt, I know that I am beyond fortunate. As many times as I ignored my intuition the universe was there with another option. Maybe I felt like I lost my way or things didn’t go as planned. Perhaps at times I felt like a royal fuck up. Still, there was always this little place inside that I could access for pure peace, knowing everything would be okay. Maybe I couldn’t feel it for extended periods of time but it was there, awaiting my return when I needed a breather. Maybe that’s what being in total upheaval is all about - feeling uneasy and unsure, like navigating your way through a dark room you’ve never been in before - because it forces you to trust and simply stay the course.

So many times I wanted to turn back and maybe I would’ve if we had more resources. On the other hand, maybe I would’ve found a house immediately with more resources and felt settled from the get-go. The thing is, my experience was uniquely my own, and I choose to trust that it was impeccably perfect. When I was full of anxiety and questioning why nothing was going as planned (ummm probably because my plan is not necessarily the divine plan) I had the belief that my intentions and dreams were dependent on a specific outcome - what I wanted (that is NOT what I teach, people!). That perspective only brought greater anxiety and fear. I intuitively knew that I was out of alignment with this thinking and almost immediately spirit took me back to a series of posts I wrote around this time last year (Sacred Frustration, Unconditional Acceptance, Make Room for Imperfection). Those posts reminded me to release control and make room for what was in order to experience greater unity within and without. When I shifted my perspective to one that included room for the divine and trust for what was, it brought peace, joy, more.

That said, the transformation did not happen in an instant. It’s been a process. Anxiety and doubt still come up. The power is in what I do with it. Do I notice it, feel it, enter into a conversation with it, seek to understand it, offer myself love, allow it to pass? Do I notice it, feel it, assume it is there because something is wrong, start worrying about past decisions, spiral into a hole of confusion and fear? The choice is mine. I can believe I have made a mistake somewhere along the way or I can believe that there are no mistakes and that the universe is always conspiring in my favor. For a week or so I chose the first perspective. Let me tell you, it was not pretty. Then, I shifted into the second and was almost immediately consumed by love and light. Sure, in the beginning it was scary. I could feel the primal part of me clenching, bracing for death. It’s bizarre to think about now because all along I’ve been perfectly safe, but it didn’t feel that way. That’s why it was actually a truly enlightening observation once I could step back and see what was happening. It helped me see that at least some of my fears were embedded from the beginning of time and irrelevant to my current situation. From there I was able to train my mind and body to respond differently to my triggers, stepping out of fight or flight and into synchronicity. I had to put in the work - practice what I teach - and, as always, it worked!

Of course I knew it would, because I only teach what I have experienced to be true. However, I think this may have been the most intense energy I’ve had to transform in this lifetime so part of me had to see it to believe it. From that perspective, it’s no wonder I was thrown off for a bit. This move triggered me on a generational, mitochondrial, and spiritual level. My soul must have known this would happen, yet I chose the path anyway. That is the journey of the mystic, the seeker of transformation and light. We choose the path less traveled and encounter obstacles that are there to refine us and bring us closer to our true nature. That is, god, the divine, spirit, universe. The journey was intense and there was nothing “easy” about it. However, I have a new level of appreciation for divine order and a newfound understanding of my anxiety that will serve me for the rest of my life. With that, I hope you too are brave enough to take a leap when it is beckoning , knowing that even if you go through darkness there is always light. And remember, it’s okay to be afraid and less than “perfect.” I was stuck in a tornado of darkness and confusion for a bit there and this stuff is in my bones. There is purpose in everything. Don’t forget it!

If this post resonates, I’d love to hear from you! Contact me for more information on personal sessions and available classes in your area. Dream big and live courageously!