Do you ever just feel 'meh? I'm talking down in the dumps, unable to get past the bullshit, no life-force, 'meh. Well, I do. Actually, I feel this way quite often. Ask the people around me what they think when I say this and they'd probably be surprised. I'm pretty sure they think I'm a "happy" person. Isn't that interesting? I'm happy even when my 'mehttitude is out in full force. What a contradiction! And, it's real. I feel all of it. I embody all of it. I'm fluid with it. So, from one moment to the next I can move from overcome with dread and fear to completely hopeful and content. No, I'm not bipolar. I'm human. I'm living a real existence that doesn't always look the way I had hoped. Sometimes I observe my life and feel completely in awe at what I am so fortunate to hold and experience. Other times I look at it and wonder if this is really all my hard work has brought me. The build-up of expectation and crash of reality can be disappointing. At other times, that same build up of expectation can manifest a greater reality than I ever anticipated. It can totally suck asshole (as I like to say) or it can totally send me over the moon. That's life. I've noticed that when I'm having a rough day (or week), it only takes a moment for me to be snapped back to present time and overcome with joy. This can be triggered by something as simple as gazing at my son or petting my cat. Life is tricky like that. It's all layered with complex situations and emotions and it's easy to get stuck in the muck of it if we aren't careful. So, how do I handle the ups and downs and find peace in the midst of the chaos? I'm glad you asked.

For one, I meditate. Meditation has become my number one way to move through most of life's struggles. Having a place to go when I'm spiraling is very comforting. The quiet calms my mind. The space is centering. It's where I connect with my source when I feel depleted. It's where I go to feel the truth. It is there that I'm reminded that I am always supported. It's where I fall apart with an understanding that I will come out whole. It's where I am one with all creation. The earth, the trees, the sea, the flowers, the sky, the mountains, all that is, was, and ever will be. It's where there is no sense of time, only the present moment. It's where I get lost in the reminder of all that I am. It's where I go on grand adventures that recharge me to try again. Meditation is my lifeline. Don't get me wrong. I still fuck it up and spend plenty of time in the mud. I think that's part of the human experience. Sometimes we are attracted to mud. Then we realize it's not as fun as we thought it would be, so we get the hell outta there and clean ourselves up. So, when I notice I'm stuck in the mud (and maybe I've been there longer than I realized) I simply focus on going back home to the easy, breezy beach. That's where I want to spend my time. So, how exactly did I realize that meditation would help me get there? Here's the short version.

When I first began meditating my life was in shambles, or at least it looked that way on the outside (and sometimes felt that way on the inside too). I was connected enough to know that what I was going through was a kind of awakening, there for good, not harm. I knew I had a lot of spiritual work ahead of me and that in order to do it I needed to embrace where I was. I knew staying engaged and making conscious choices was the only way to get myself where I wanted to go (even though I wasn't completely sure what that even looked like). I had this unmistakable feeling that the blueprint was on the inside. I just had to figure out how to access it. I had been married for nine years and was now through my divorce, without a partner for the first time in a very long time (at least in the physical sense). I was a single mom who worked full time and was getting my masters degree. I was creating a new social, spiritual, educational, and financial structure for myself. I was completely rebuilding my life from the ground up. I was diligently working with my mentor to create the life of my dreams, and knew that there was plenty more work to be done. I was beginning to feel extremely connected to myself and to god, for maybe the first time ever. Still, I desired more. A deeper bond with the universe, one that I could consciously participate in. The ways I had been taught to find connection with a higher power weren't working for me. So, I knew I needed to try something different. I wanted to communicate with the source energy I felt within. I wanted to allow that wisdom to communicate with me. For me, the way I had been taught to pray didn't allow for that. I had a deep desire to find my way, to find connection. Through this longing came meditation.

What a beautiful storm..

Stirring, nourishing, beckoning

When I was beginning, my mentor lent me some guided meditation CDs that her guru had created. Excited to try it out, I put the CD in, laid on my couch, and followed his voice. The next thing I knew I was waking up to complete silence. I had fallen asleep! Thinking this was a fluke I tried again the next night. Same thing! Guys, this happened EVERY SINGLE TIME for a matter of weeks. When I saw my mentor again I was certain she'd tell me I was doing something wrong or to find ways to keep myself awake. I mean this meditation stuff is serious business, right? Nope. She actually encouraged me to keep doing it, and to keep using the time to give my body rest if that's what I needed right now. She told me to trust my body and that when I was rested enough to stay awake I would. Guess what? She was right. Once my body was back on track in the sleep department I started staying awake while in my restful, meditative state. Yay! So, I'm now sharing this with you as a source of encouragement. If you decide to give meditation a try and feel like you can't focus or you fall asleep or any number of other things, it's ok. Just stay with it and you will eventually find your rhythm.

Once I began staying awake through guided meditation I was drawn to venture off into my own realm of quiet. Due to my yoga practice I had experience following my breath and doing short meditations during shavasana, so it was a natural evolution to bring that into my meditation practice. I must say, at first it was quite challenging (and sometimes still is). However, I found that the more I practiced, over time things did become easier. My brain began to expect the quiet. My body enjoyed the stillness. I even came to a place where I was able to fall into deep meditation with little effort. I must add that one of the things that was most helpful to me in finding my way, was realizing I needed to be comfortable! While I now mostly meditate sitting in a cross legged position, that isn't necessary. If my body is hurting or I just feel more comfortable lying on my back that's what I do. I've found that supporting my body in a way that I can relax, whatever that looks like on a given day, is a meaningful and necessary part of the process. Sometimes that's sitting on my meditation pouf, sometimes it's laying flat, sometimes I have blankets under my knees and head, sometimes I'm against a wall for back support. Don't worry about the specifics. Just find what works and do what feels good!

Another really simple way I get out of my funk is through cultivating a gratitude practice. This really helps to bring me back to the joy in life when I'm feeling down or disconnected. One of our morning family rituals is to acknowledge three things we are grateful for. They can be simple or grand. No judgment allowed! Simply take a moment to feel the gratitude in your heart as your choice comes to you and then voice it. There is no right or wrong. Sometimes I'm extremely grateful for coffee or a special mug. Other times it's my health or support from my family when I'm flaring. In this moment, it's the ability to work from home because I just saw the tiniest white butterfly fluttering across the yard and it consumed me with calm. I would've missed that if I was still at my old job working in a vault with no windows. When I worked in the vault there were days I was thankful to be in a secluded work environment where I could focus and get things done. We can ALWAYS find things to be thankful for if we open our eyes (and hearts) and look. Feeling the way things make us feel (not just naming) is an important part of this because it shifts us to a higher vibration where we find greater light, joy, and connection. So take a few moments each day to feel your way into a space of gratitude and light.

My final piece of advice for braking out of the 'mehttitude is do something that feels good. Sometimes in order to feel how we want to feel, we need to take some action. For me, that may be a candle-lit bath or reminding myself of my childlike nature by playing with my son. Perhaps I need to blast some tunes and have a spontaneous family dance party. Or maybe I need to do something that I've been putting off - something that I believe will change my situation. An action I've just been too lazy or pre-occupied to get around to. Eeeeeks! Yep, I just went there. There are times we put ourselves in less than optimal circumstances because we simply aren't following our internal guidance system. We have the wisdom to take us through everything life sends our way, it's just a matter of whether or not we choose to tune in and have the courage to follow. When we are in touch with our inner wisdom we will sometimes feel challenged, afraid, even anxious about what we are being asked to do. That's the beauty of growth. It doesn't always feel like what we often judge as good. That's ok. If we are clear, we can allow our doubts and fears to come up and we can move through them.

Then there are times that we feel like shit and staying there for a bit serves us. There is sometimes something to learn in discomfort. For me, I think the lesson is often about connection to my self. It is teaching me to consciously embody my true nature regardless of what's happening around me. That said, there is also a part of me that believes we can choose to learn through joy rather than pain. I'm still kicking around what that means exactly. Does it mean how we choose to interact with a situation? So, painful situations may still come our way, it's just what we make of them? Does it mean we don't give time to pain? What exactly does that look like? I'm curious. I think it must have to do with non-attachment, judgment, perception, etc. Because there is no way to actually engage in life without what culture would label "pain." Yet, there is a deeper truth in me that says we can at least shift the way we perceive and engage with the "pain." I'm still learning what that looks like for me and invite you to do the same. In the meantime, why not choose joy? At least more often. Why not choose to elevate ourselves above our 'mehttitude if we have the ability to do so? Why not live joyfully, embracing our true nature, sharing our light with the world? The next time you find yourself feeling a little off, I challenge you to try one or two of these tips and see if it doesn't make a difference. Give it a go and, as always, let me know how it worked for you!