People often ask me how I practice yoga with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and several forms of dysautonomia. My feeling is, how could I not. As you may expect from someone who has a blog called Contradiction Queen, I don't always do things the way I'm "supposed" to and that philosophy goes for my health too. Generally speaking, I believe in tuning in and doing what feels right, rather than using my head and doing what I think seems logical. So, the answer to how I practice yoga with chronic conditions is multi-faceted. While my situation may be different than yours, if you follow these steps, you too can learn to tune in and find ways to be your healthiest self engaging in an exercise you love.

For one, I practice listening to my internal guidance system. I've learned that perhaps the most important thing for me, is staying present and in constant communication with my body. This means I'm making regular adjustments and switching up my flow in order to support where my body is in the moment. In some ways, this how I've functioned for most of my life. I began fainting at a young age and it taught me to listen to my body early on. I like to think of it as a gift from my higher self. Even as a child I was acutely aware of when a faint was coming on and by second grade or so I had figured out several ways to navigate it. I learned this solely through listening to my body. Nobody, including doctors, knew what was happening, so they couldn't tell me what to do. All I had was my own internal knowing and I had to trust it in order to cope. I was the only one that could feel my system shutting down, so I learned to pay attention to myself as a way of managing my faints. Throughout life I used this understanding as a way to navigate one situation, then another. I didn't have the scientific facts to articulate what was happening or why I needed to do things like flex my calves or sit with my feet in my chair. I simply knew it was a way of life for me (and honestly didn't even notice it wasn't a way of life for others until I got older). Fast forward to the age of twenty-three, when I began to practice yoga, and I naturally took that body awareness onto my mat. Now, nearly fifteen years into my practice, I'm still there, moving through the poses, noticing my breath, and strengthening my body all with the help of my internal guidance system.

In keeping with the idea that life is a big, beautiful contradiction, I will say that getting to this place in my yoga practice has been a big, beautiful, messy journey. Sometimes one thing works, sometimes it doesn't. Staying healthy while having a chronic condition definitely keeps me on my toes! I wouldn't have it any other way though. I've learned so much in all the madness. Things about living, laughing, crying, soaring, crashing, loving myself when I'm not "pretty," and simply being HUMAN. The fun of a journey like this is that I get to play in the mud from time to time. I've cried under some of the most beautiful trees you can imagine. I get to watch flowers bloom from the inside out and I've learned it's much easier to let the river carry me than to swim against the current. Sure, on the path to getting there and in order to gain perspective I had to go through some shit. I often felt like I was stuck in quicksand when I wanted to be ANYWHERE else. I found myself shivering in the shade (unable to notice the strong, powerful tree that was protecting me) while my friends were off gallivanting in the sun. I got stuck by thorns trying to pick the rose when I could've just embodied her. And a time or two, I may have even been pulled under by a whirlpool in that big river I was trying to navigate, when it only wanted me to relax so it could carry me. And you know what, sometimes I still find myself in those positions, fighting the natural flow and opening of life. It's okay! I was and always will be supported, even when I fall or take the long way around. We all are. For that I'm thankful!

I tell you this because I want you to know that doing anything in life (chronic condition or not) will sometimes leave you a little bruised. Like any adventure, you may get a little banged up. You may have to try and try again. You may learn that whatever it is you're trying, just isn't your jam. Notice your judgments and move through them. All of this is good information, there to help you find your unique bliss.

To be honest, when I was first diagnosed with EDS I was a little scared that I'd have to give up yoga altogether. That is what most of the medical community said and what did I know? This was all new to me. So, as I mourned what felt like betrayal by my body (how could I have EDS and not know until now?!), I also mourned what may be the death of my yoga practice. As I moved through mourning and began accepting that I did indeed have this genetic condition, I had a come to Jesus moment with my body. Through tears, meditation, and pain I had a shift that left me deeply aware that all I really wanted was to be my best self and that I trusted my body to show me the way. So, one day on my meditation pillow when I had enough courage, I asked, "Should I continue yoga or no?" For me, it was a resounding yes. It was clear that my body wanted to use yoga as a guide to deepen my connection to spirit and self. While I was prepared to hear that it was time to stop, I heard it was time to stay engaged and use my very physical yoga practice to go deeper spiritually. From this experience (and many others like it) I can confidently tell you that if you're looking to make healthy shifts in your life, the first step is GET CLEAR. Meditate, pray, cry, whatever your way, shed the judgment and get clear about what it is that your body is asking of you. You must be willing to hear what you don't want in order to get to what you do want. For me, this resulted in my spirit telling me to stay with my yoga practice. For you, it may be that your spirit says let that shit go and do pilates or strength training or walking (you fill in the blank). Whatever your body says, listen. It may just feel like you need more or less movement, more core strength. Feel it out and get clear!

Next, set an intention to STAY CONNECTED. Now that you know what your body is requiring of you, you must stay tuned in. Tuning in allows us to shift moment by moment, supplying our body with what we need in real time. I've found that keeping it light is key. When I start getting super serious and freaked out about every decision, afraid of choosing the wrong thing, things become murky. Remember, if you get it wrong, there's always next time. That's just more information on your journey of refining your needs. Also, our bodies often speak to us through pleasure and pain. The interesting thing is that sometimes pain is pleasurable and sometimes pleasure can be painful. So, stay curious and connected to your internal guidance system and you will know the difference between helpful and non-helpful pleasure and pain. For some of us this is more obvious than for others. It's all good. Maybe it will take a few times of doing a pose in an unhealthy way to realize that the pain you are experiencing isn't bringing you any lasting help. Or maybe it will take a few times of doing it the right way to realize that the pain you were experiencing was a muscle growing and becoming stronger so it could better support you. Trust yourself. If you're staying connected you will figure it out.

Get INFORMED. Nerd alert.. I love information! I can spend hours, even days, weeks, or months, getting lost investigating topics that interest me. While information may not be your thing, make it your job to learn more about your body and healthy ways to support yourself. If you're body has asked for high intensity workouts do you need to alter the type and amount of nutrients you are taking in? Would electrolytes help? If your body asked for yoga and you have EDS or hypermobility should you alter the movements to protect your joints? How could you engage more? Information is your friend. Yes, it can be overwhelming, so just let go of what doesn't resonate with you and focus on what does. Your internal guidance system will lead you in the direction that will best serve you. For instance, when I made the decision to continue with yoga I researched the best exercises for EDS (muscle strengthening, no deep stretching) and took those tips into my yoga practice.

Next, DIVE IN. With clear direction, a strong connection with your body, and research to support your cause you are ready to get started. Sounds fun, right?! Well, yes... and no. For me, the beginning was this beautiful experience of learning myself in new ways. Then came the middle, which was THE WORST! In this phase I had to lean completely on my internal knowing and found my strength in my connection to source energy. Then, as I moved through the tough times, things settled into a bit of a rhythm. So, I wasn't in total bliss or total hell. Sometimes, I'm completely comfortable with my practice and then there are moments where I think "Man, I'd really like to bend myself into a pretzel." Now, I'm just getting better at realizing that neither defines me. I'm not a great person or yogi because I do or don't do something. I'm shedding the achievement oriented pieces of myself and my yoga practice is helping me do that. So, don't be surprised if you find yourself completely frustrated at some point along the way or even wanting to give up altogether. It's all part of the process.

For me, creating a safe space to begin the journey of getting to know my body and restructuring my yoga practice was super important. So, I did it on my own, in the privacy of my home. Since it was summer, I also took advantage of practicing by a lake whenever I could. I purposely created spaces for experimentation and non-judgment. I was already dealing with feelings of betrayal by my body and felt that letting go of what I knew as my yoga practice would be an emotional experience. I didn't want to share that with the yoga community just yet. It was important for me to create a safe space within myself and to get acquainted with my new understanding of my body before sharing it with others. I even used the seasons to support me on my journey. was diagnosed at the beginning of summer and consider that a carefree time, so I was able to use that to help me by embracing the carefree energy and allowing myself to play freely, without expectation.

After a few months, when the more settled energy of fall entered, I started venturing into studios again. At first it felt surreal, almost awkward. I was taking from instructors who had experienced my flexibility firsthand. Now, I was suddenly pulling back, purposely taking it easy and not going deep into poses. It felt like starting over and in some ways it was. I now knew more about my body, so it was my duty to re-acquaint myself with yoga in ways that were healthy for me given this new information. It was extremely challenging. I literally cried my way through the first few classes. My inner achiever wanted to go into every twist and bind. My inner physician said no. I had to choose who to listen to for the entire hour or so. My body or my mind. The part of me that says "You're not good enough. Show your worth. Do your "best." Push yourself." Or, the part of me that says "You are enough. Look at that beautiful flow you're doing. You are beautiful. You are strong. This feels good. Keep going! You're awesome!" Those two voices are always there, even today, and the question remains, "Which will I choose?" So, I still have to make those choices. We all do. While I can quiet my mind, I can't rid myself of this little girl (that's how I see her) within. That part of me is still there asking why I'm not doing more, wanting to prove that I can do more, wanting to prove that she is worthy.

Then, one day I had an epiphany. It was in an Ashtanga class (yes, Ashtanga). I had chosen to take that class because I love the poses, the rhythm, and routine of the series. I knew it would be mentally and spiritually challenging because in Ashtanga especially, a yogi is challenged to go further and work toward going deeper into each pose. This is looked at as achievement, a goal (which I find very interesting considering that yoga is supposedly not achievement oriented.. see how easily these things sneak in?). Well, I knew I'd be purposely not trying to attain those poses in my practice. As a matter of fact, I already could do the binds and forward folds and just about everything requested from a flexibility standpoint and guess what? It wasn't healthy for me! So, I was putting myself in a very vulnerable position to say, "I'm going to enter this class with a bag full of props and choose to support my body by using them even when the instructor is urging everyone to go deeper." I set an intention to notice my thoughts as well as my body. To be acutely aware of my judgments and belief systems. At first it sucked. My mind was flooded with all those voices telling me to do more and be better. I wanted to scream! Then I started crying (these yoga teachers probably think I'm nuts). I went through pretty much every emotion in that hour and fifteen minute class. Let me tell you, spiritual work is not for the weak. It doesn't matter where you are. Shit gets real when it's time. So leave your pride at the door because if you're really in it, you can't control it (and you won't want to). So there I was, in the midst of my tears, and I heard a little voice inside say "You don't have to achieve anything. You are enough. Learning to let go of trying to be better.. letting go of the need to always do more.. that is your work, my love." So, there I stood on my yoga mat, moving through the series, covered in tears, melting away all that I thought I had to be. Knowing that this is the real work. This is why I'm called to my mat. It keeps my body healthy and strong and the work I do in my body keeps my spirit healthy and strong. It is there, on my mat, that I learn so many of life's spiritual lessons.

As for that little girl, she has served me well. She's pushed me to achieve great things in my life. So, I'm not asking her to go away or telling her that she's "bad" or "wrong." I'm just learning how to change my relationship with her. I'm learning how to use her desire to achieve without tying it to my self-worth. It's all part of the process.

So, when you take that last step and dive in don't think you're done. That's just the beginning. The diving in leads to greater awareness, deeper connection, and more information. Which will beckon you to dive in again and again. It's an unending spiral that will take you to the most magical of places, if you are open. If you allow, it will take you far beyond your workout session and into the depths of your soul.