Showing Up
What does it mean to show up? For ourselves? For the other? What does that look like? What consequence does it carry? What truth or lie? Is it understood? Misunderstood? What do either of those mean? Do they matter?
These questions and many others have been floating through my head lately, like balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The thoughts bobbling through my mind, one after the other, floating upward, sometimes colliding, taking their own path, as I seek to show up in mine.
Relationships are complicated, even the relationship to the self. It seems we could at least get through that one without discourse, yet impossible. Internal conflict is one of the most fascinating for me and I often find conflict with the self to be the most meaningful in life, or at least the most revealing. For when I am up against myself all the questions and insecurities arise. The beliefs and teachings are up against one another as I wrestle with competing commitments within.
This is when the shadow often emerges. The parts of me unknown even to myself. The passenger that rides with me on this thing called life. A new part of myself I have yet to consciously acknowledge. The shadow sometimes propels me forward and holds me back at others. Revealing herself only when the light shines just perfectly so that she can be cast in my view.
This is when showing up is especially important. The moments when the shadow is staring me in the eye, begging me to do something.. or perhaps, sometimes asking me to do nothing. This is when I must dig deep and push past the shallow turbulent waters into the vast calm. The shadow emerges when she is ready to be seen, understood, and perhaps even healed. The shadow reveals herself to show us what is holding us back, keeping us from the life we imagine for ourselves. Seeing the shadow is a holy moment, a glimpse into our hidden reality. When we see her it is because there is now enough light in our life to illuminate her form. That is, there is enough knowing on the inside of us to begin to understand our shadow selves and set off on a transformation journey.
The shadow may appear scary at first, but her goal is not to scare us. She is not to be feared. She has been our companion, keeping us company, maybe even keeping us safe thus far. We are just now ready to see her in the light and decide for ourselves if we want to keep her as a travel companion and if so, in what capacity, for she will not be able to go unseen any longer. If you see your shadow you can trust that you can handle what she will reveal for you can only see her when you hold enough light, enough knowing, to show up and do the work.
This is when we decide (because we always have a choice), will we shift or will we go on doing things as they have always been done, pretending we don’t know better? Will we carry on as if this driving force in us is still unknown to us or will we own her existence and consciously decide how she will continue on in our story? Choosing the latter is showing up. Seeing once hidden parts of ourselves in new light and consciously choosing what to do with them, that is a form of showing up. Engaging differently with these parts of ourselves and ending the cycle of projecting them on others, that is one way we can show up. Awareness is showing up.
The journey is a constant evolution, revealing new truths and iterations of truths as we move on. One of the constants, if we so choose, showing up. It is in this way that the practice of showing up can be an anchor. It is in this act of showing up that we have the ability to shape our existence and our relationship with others. It is in the showing up that we can transform how we interact with our self and offer nurturing rather than judgment. It is in this space where we can create the life of our dreams rather than playing out the roles of the one written for us. The question is what will you choose?
Will you show up? Will you engage with the more difficult aspects of your self, re-integrating them into your self constructed identity? Will you take the opportunity to learn and wrestle with the unknown in order to re-emerge as a version of yourself more aligned with your hopes and dreams? Will you sit back and observe long enough to see how your shadow has been acted out in your relationships with others? Will you attempt to create change in how you engage with the other? Will you own your insecurities and notice your projections? This is the work of showing up.
I hope you will join me in the challenge. It is not for a short time. It is our life’s work. We never graduate from showing up. However, with practice it can become an integrated part of the way we live life. It can become more natural, taking less effort, as this is the organic evolution of a practice. With repetition and conscious choosing comes greater ease. I invite you to join me on this transformative dive.
