Be Guided, Be Free
So today I did a thing. It’s called IV therapy. And, while I have written about this topic before I have never shared quite like this. See, IVs have always been a trigger for me. Even as a child I would faint getting my blood drawn or having an IV placed. It was quite traumatic and while most people just think it’s a fear of needles that I should get over, the truth is, it has nothing to do with that. The only fear element is the possibility of going unconscious, and up until a few months ago, when I nearly died during a faint, I wasn’t even afraid of that any more.
So then, what is it about IVs that’s so triggering, or traumatic as I put it? Let me explain. Have you ever felt completely out of control? Unsure how something will go yet knowing you have to subject yourself to it anyway? Have you ever wondered if your body is even yours, feeling completely outside of yourself, no matter how hard you try to marry body, mind, and spirit? Well, for me, that's what it’s like having any type of intravenous procedure with dysautonomia and, since IV therapy is part of my health plan and labs are a necessary part of the health journey, it is often unavoidable. On the one hand, my body loves the fluids. On the other, it’s not always quite sure how to handle the intrusion of something foreign in its vein. Just typing something like that can make me a bit symptomatic. So then, I’m faced with this dilemma of deciding if IV therapy is more helpful than harmful and over the last few months I’ve really been allowing that question to ruminate in my body, awaiting the answer.
For over two months I didn’t go to IV therapy, not because I didn’t think I could use the added fluids, I’d been symptomatic as hell and I’m sure they would have been a welcomed upgrade to my system. However, all the symptoms I’d been experiencing - pre-syncope, more intense blood pressure and heart rate fluctuations, dizziness, fatigue, and generally feeling pretty rough - were leaving my nervous system in a constant state of fight or flight; definitely not the calm I like to induce before the placement of a needle. I could feel the burnout and when I tuned in a little more I intuitively knew that IV therapy would ultimately do more harm than good. I’ve become pretty good at deciphering what I need even if it doesn’t make sense to others and thankfully my doctors have worked with me long enough to trust my judgment. I’m sure it helps that they also know if I have questions I’ll ask, if I’m unsure I’ll say so, and that I am always up for working as a team. So, after all things were considered, self care was taken, and my inner wisdom was consulted, I took a break from IV therapy to let my body heal and give my nervous system a chance to settle in. What a difference that made!
See, every IV therapy session since my faint a few months back has been a struggle. The few times I went were not pleasant, requiring loads of breath work and support of all kinds to just barely get through. While I knew my body needed the fluids I also knew it was not comfortable with the poking and prodding necessary to do so. I was drinking electrolytes, avoiding alcohol, and eating extra salt, but I was still chronically dehydrated and my body was not happy. So, I pushed through, getting my fluids every month, enduring the dis-ease that came with it, not knowing what else to do. Then, a few days before my June appointment I noticed some resistance. What was that about? Curious, I began the type of internal dialogue that has become a regular part of my human experience over the years. I began asking my body what it wanted. How could I most highly honor all aspects of my being? Did my body want fluids via IV therapy or another means? Was the resistance my internal wisdom or fear? What would serve my highest purpose?
During that conversation I felt my internal wisdom arise and she was telling me to cancel the IV therapy appointment. While this was scary as hell (hello, I was symptomatic, it was summer, I needed to stay properly hydrated), I’ve also navigated this type of thing long enough to know I should trust the divinity in me. She is all knowing and the utmost connected. So, I observed the ongoing questions I had over the next day or so, continued to dial in, observed and engaged with my fear of not getting therapy, and, when I was certain about my decision, I called to cancel the appointment. With that call I immediately felt relief, as if my nervous system was taking a long, slow exhale.
That month I didn’t think much about my missed appointment. I just kept doing what I felt I needed day after day, partaking in PT, connecting with the earth, and nurturing my spirit. Before long a month had passed and it was time for another IV therapy session. With this realization came more resistance. Interesting. This time circumstances made my decision quite simple. I would cancel because Kevin wasn’t available to drive me and there was NO WAY I was going to drive myself. Besides that, I was beginning to feel stronger and even though I was still symptomatic I hadn’t gone downhill by skipping a session. My nervous system actually felt a bit more at ease. With that, I cancelled my July appointment and again came instant relief. With the energy freed by not fighting my way through IV therapy I was actually able to go on a mini-trip (pictured below) and heal a whole lot of shit. My nervous system settled down even more. I could focus on PT and meditation. I was holding on to more of my oral hydration. Things were beginning to fall into place. Sure, I was still experiencing symptoms, but my anxiety was coming down and I had more moments of rest and relaxation between the fight or flight episodes that had become my baseline. I could feel my body healing. I felt safe again. I even had a record number of vials of blood drawn without fainting. What a win!
By the time August rolled around I was feeling much more at ease. However, due to the blood draw I had a week prior to my previously scheduled IV therapy session I was also feeling pretty ran down. I had been focusing on hydrating with electrolytes, but it wasn’t quite doing the job. Intuition told me it was time for some IV hydration.. and the coolest thing happened. I felt okay with it. I wasn’t afraid or nervous. My body didn’t respond with pre-syncope or a racing heart. It just felt “right.”
With this acceptance came wisdom and grace. The timing worked out perfectly with Kevin’s schedule. I got a good night’s sleep and naturally awoke early enough to practice my usual morning rituals and when the adrenaline kicked in, because it always does, I had my prescription to help guide my body back to balance. Over the years I’ve learned to take that without shame and recognize it for the gift it is. Then, before heading out the door I rubbed on my ANS essential oil blend and grabbed the goody bag I always make for myself before an IV therapy session. This time it consisted of a book, healthy snacks (even though I opted for Fritos once there), my phone, headphones, a water bottle full of Ultima electrolytes, and my ANS rollerball in case I wanted to reapply.
Once at the infusion center things went great! My nurse was lovely and completely understood my fainting issue without adding any fear to the equation. I was at ease and even though it took two sticks for the IV to properly flush I had no pre-syncope. I even looked at the IV and moved my arm around more than usual during the procedure. I was completely comfortable and I could feel my body actually enjoying the hydration rather than fighting the foreign entity in my arm. All progress that came because I had the courage to back off when my body asked and to re-engage when internal wisdom said it was time.
I have learned that by following my body’s wisdom I can access my greatest version of health with the least amount of struggle. We absolutely do not have to fight our way through life. There is another way, an easier way. We can be guided toward our highest good, knowing we are supported the entire time.
If you are feeling resistance in your life, I encourage you to take some time to get familiar with the situation. Ask your body what the resistance is about. Open yourself up to new possibilities. Listen. Be free.
