Playing with Shadows
On a walk from Whole Foods a couple days ago I was taken by my shadow. It was in front of me and whatever my pace it was there, just within reach, connected by my feet. As I pulled out my phone to snap a shot of the image that had so distinctly caught my attention, a thought occurred as a flash… “playing with shadows.” Then, another revelation, this time more of a complete knowing not connected to thought… a playful engagement with the shadows of our mind and soul in a similar way that we played with shadows created by light and dark as kids. Both versions can be intriguing, scary, and fun; the creative content for playful puppet shows or dreadful nightmares.
I found this flash of thought and knowing fascinating. As I crawl out of the winter months and dip my toe into Spring I am in a transition period between light and dark. It’s a time of year when I have engaged deeply with shadow work through the darker Winter months and when I am trying on new ways of being as I see myself in the fresh light of Spring. It’s the perfect time of year for playing with shadows! So, how do we do that exactly? First, let me share a couple of the shadows that have appeared for me so far this year.
As I touched on in “Rest,” one has to do with the fear that can creep in for me when my body asks for rest. This can show up as pushing the body to accomplish things, even when it doesn’t feel good, because of a repressed belief that something must be wrong with me if I need rest (i.e. healthy people don’t need rest!). Another, which I touched on in “Worthy,” is this side of me that wants to appear perfect for others rather than worthy as I am. This sometimes shows up as working hard or giving justifications rather than simply saying how I feel and doing what I want. This happens due to a belief that I will only be accepted if I work really hard and get everything “right.” The higher vibe, more conscious part of my being believes in giving my body as much rest as it needs and knows I have self worth, regardless of what I accomplish. However, the shadow (the darker side of my personality and belief system that was not allowed to be expressed) says I have to do the exact opposite of what I really desire in order to be ok. Even though I undoubtedly believe in rest and innate worth and strive to integrate both into my ways of being, the behaviors that contradict these beliefs kept appearing. Becoming aware of this internal conflict and engaging with it is how I began the process of play.
As adults we sometimes forget that we need play just as much as children. When we watch kids on the playground or sit in the living room with their favorite toys we can see that they are learning through play. They are practicing negotiation, power dynamics, and even learning concrete skills that translate into important life lessons (such as when they learn that the square peg will never fit into that round hole, no matter how hard they push!). We accept this as part of the learning dynamic with children and all too often forget that it is a lifelong process meant for adults too. Do we really need to know everything? What would it look like if we simply accepted that life is play and we are learning as we go? What if we started playing with the darker sides of ourselves as we engaged with invisible friends as a child? Would starting a conversation with them dampen some of the power they have over us, making room for more freedom in life expression? What if we accepted that there is no magic age where play ends and knowing begins? What if we didn’t know everything? How would life look? What would be different? The same?
I admit, in the beginning the concept of talking to the dark parts of ourselves feels scary. What if that shit is darker than we imagined and we have to face that a really dark place does exist within us? Unearthing what we think we “know” can feel threatening to our primal need for safety and security, which is ultimately why we created the shadow to begin with. As humans we often use a false sense of “knowing it all” to protect ourselves. Sometimes we even ignore parts of ourselves that are in conflict with one another to make ourselves feel safe. However, that can only last so long before creating immense pain. And, it is possible to actually engage in these shadow sides of ourselves through play rather than judgment, which can be incredibly liberating and even fun!
I touched on my process in Shadow Taming, another post born in Spring, when shadows often come to light. However, what’s up for me right now feels like a new iteration of the work I wrote about in that post. In this new flash of knowing I saw even more play, even more acceptance, even more showing up as the me I want to be, no excuses! How? By just doing it. By knowing that the process of engaging with the work is play! By taking it less seriously and simply letting life lead the way. Kids don’t plan out every detail of their play experience before engaging. They don’t judge whether or not they learned anything at recess. They just get out on the playground and go for it!
Sure, as adults we can more consciously engage in our play. For one, we can purposely call on our internal masculine to keep us safe in the stormy seas of self exploration. For me, that knowing allows me to go even deeper into the darkness… because I know that if I do come in contact with a boogie man I can call on my inner masculine to handle it. Another cool aspect of engaging in this play as an adult is that I get to choose my playground. As a kid we were thrown into recess whether or not we liked the options of games or kids to engage with. As an adult I get to choose when and where I play and with whom. Do I want a solo session of self exploration after being extremely triggered and acting out? Do I want to dive into the darkness with a partner or trusted friend? Do I want to experiment in my committed relationship? The world is literally our playground in this phase of life. How fun!
Here’s one way I’ve been doing this lately. When I feel judged (by myself or others) for not doing “enough” and want to fix it by pushing myself into things I don’t desire, I listen to the feminine voice inside because she is the one I want to lead. She has her own personality and I let her shine! When I feel myself growing scared of her (because remember, I repressed this shadow due to a belief in work and want to prove my worth) I let my masculine step in and protect. My masculine is in fierce protection mode of this new evolution of me! I’m not looking for anyone outside of me to give me permission to rest and be. I give myself permission! When people want more from me than I want to give I observe myself. My maternal usually feels guilty for not doing enough or not giving in to whatever I’m “supposed” to do. My femme, feeling frustrated, then often goes to my masculine for support because quite frankly, she doesn’t want to expend her energy fighting the battles. She wants to use her energy for play, creating a fun life, and enjoyment! My masculine hears her, steps the fuck up, and says nope, “Not this time. The Queen is resting, playing, enjoying!” And The Queen doesn’t give a fuck what anybody else thinks. She knows what she offers and she is comfortable with her power.
Sometimes this takes place all inside my self. Other times, it takes place in dialogue with another. While your shadows may be different than mine (they could be the exact opposite!) the process is the same. Pay attention. Take feedback from your body and those around you. Engage with life. Play!
The process is play because the engagement feels enjoyable. Sure, it may feel challenging, however it also feels invigorating to learn something new about myself. Much like a child learning baseball, they may strike out the first twelve times but when they finally make contact, bat to ball, they run the bases with a huge smile on their face and if they’re lucky enough to make it all the way home their team is waiting there to jump and yell and cheer with them. The pain of all the previous strikeouts is gone, demolished by the joy of learning something new. And, much like the shadow puppets we often create as children, we do have some control over the shadows of adulthood. Through our meaning-making process we determine their value and the ways in which we want to shift and engage with them. As we become more aware of them, we can start choosing the shape we want them to make on the canvas of our life. Total play!
This is why the work never gets old. There is nothing like the exhilaration of what we learn by re-engaging with ourselves. Our life becomes fuller, more colorful. We become in greater alignment with who and what we are. We can breathe a bit easier. Life becomes more en-joy-able (able to be in joy; I am able because I am in joy) and we have a say in what we create.
If you were going to give it a try how would you play with your shadows? Where would you begin? Would it feel scary, coaxing you to run and hide under the covers? Would you write a play and use shadow puppets to play the main characters? Would you walk forward and back enjoying this darker reflection of you on the sunny sidewalk of life? Would you try to catch him or her? Or simply appreciate the shadow’s existence, the knowledge of that being enough to release its power?
I’m curious, how are you playing with your shadows?! Reach out via email or social and let me know!
