Anxiety and a Cup of Coffee
Sometimes being the Contradiction Queen is loads of fun, full of exploration and dreams, laughter and insights. Other times, like this morning, it comes with more than its fair share of anxiety, self judgment, and question marks. Not the kind of question marks soaked in expectation and possibility. The kind of question marks laced with self doubt and fear. On those days I like to dig in, get still, listen, and learn.
Today's lesson was instigated by a cup of coffee. Yes, you heard me right, coffee. This is proof that literally anyone or anything can be our teacher. As my followers probably know, most every morning I start out with a bulletproof matcha (after my ritualistic hot water with lemon or lime - thank you Ayurveda!). The matcha is a great start to my day because it has the perfect amount of caffeine, fats, and collagen to give me lasting energy and focus. Well, this morning there was no matcha in site because I had used the last of it yesterday and hadn't had time to buy more. Since I had coffee beans on hand I could have made bulletproof coffee, but for some reason it just wasn't speaking to me. Plus, there was this little app on my phone that was calling my name, taunting me with the promise of a free drink. I had been staying strong and ignoring it's pull for weeks and could now feel myself getting drawn in. See, I actually love a good ol' soy latte every now and then and for me, there's a feeling of indulgence associated with going to a coffee shop or visiting the Whole Foods barista for my fix. I ditched the syrups years ago, in favor of a healthier soy flat white or latte, thinking that no syrup meant no sugar. WRONG. I discovered this months ago when I got on the app to order my soy flat white before pickup and checked the nutrition facts. A grande had 17 grams of sugar. That's no joke. How could this be?! Well friends, they use SWEETENED soy milk. In my book that's a major fail (and why I usually get my lattes at Whole Foods, where I can enjoy the creaminess without the sugar). So, why do I still feel drawn to the damn things? Circle back to those feelings of indulgence and euphoria. That shit is real. The pull is strong.
Since I'm only human I sometimes make less than perfect choices, especially when indulgence and euphoria are involved. I know sugar makes me feel like shit (case in point, I haven't even had half of my flat white and feel shaky, have an icky feeling in my mouth, and am yawning), yet I still sometimes want a sweet treat (or just a good old fashioned latte) and Whole Foods isn't always around the corner (nor do I always have time to make everything homemade). Sometimes it literally feels like mainstream America is flaunting Starbucks cups everywhere I turn and I just want one too god damnit! Or do I? Because I definitely don't want the shakiness, racing heart, bad taste in my mouth, and crash that comes with it. Sure I could get a black coffee or unsweetened tea, but what about days like today when I really want a flat white? Well, I may follow a surface level desire (like I did this morning) and in the moment forget to go deeper and ask myself what I really want. Later, after I had drank some of my coffee and realized it was not inducing the feelings I had hoped for, I did ask that question and realized my desire was to feel cozy and indulgent while setting a healthy foundation for my day. All the anxiety I was feeling when I first decided to drive to Starbucks and get my flat white, while in line, even after I ordered was pointing me in the direction that I had made a decision that didn't line up with my deepest values and desires. I just couldn't access that understanding until I bought the coffee, took a few drinks, and observed how I was feeling once it was in my body.
Why you may ask? Well, sometimes anxiety can be confusing. Often times we aren't sure of the root. Are we anxious because we've made a decision that doesn't serve our highest self or because our decision has triggered past baggage? In my experience anxiety is a teacher, there to guide me on a path that serves my highest self and the manifestation of my best life. Getting clear about the purpose of my anxiety allows me to make intentional decisions and live a fuller, more confident life. For instance, today I had an inclination that the source of my anxiety was the fact that my decision to buy a flat white with sweetened soy milk did not align with my values of living a vibrant, healthy life. However, because of past baggage (a pattern of dysfunctional eating from my teens and twenties) I was afraid the anxiety was actually a fear about eating sugar (a space I consciously choose to acknowledge and release) rather than the fact that sugar doesn't support my highest health. Those two observations may sound the same to some, but there is a slight distinction. One is fear based and the other rooted in love and nourishment. Since I wasn't 100% sure about the source I chose to keep going until I had complete clarity. Less than halfway into my drink, I did! The anxiety wasn't telling me I was "bad" for eating sugar. The anxiety was cluing me in to the fact that there was a different, more nourishing, decision I could make. A decision that would support my health goals and feed my soul.
So, sticking with my experience, even in the midst of anxiety allowed me to come to a deeper understanding of myself and my relationship with food. I truly do want to be giving toward myself, not restrictive. I want to nourish my body with food that helps me feel my best and accomplish my goals. Sure, there will come moments when I may indulge in carbs or take a bite of my son's dessert. I'm human. I'm on an adventure and am committed to a vibrant existence (and life isn't worth living without pizza every now and then!). I'm not striving for perfection, just conscious awareness. From that perspective, I can drop the judgment about the sugar I did drink and feel gratitude for today's experience. It really was a cool reminder to make decisions that feel good and to redefine my idea of what indulgence feels like. I can have a cozy morning without the sugar and get a heck of a lot more done while I'm at it!
On that note, I'm gonna go make myself a cup of hot tea and get to work in my son's room. Have a great day, friends and keep listening to that beautiful soul of yours!
