Mom Talk - Using Transparency to Strengthen the Bond

This post is for all the mamas out there.  If you're like me chances are you're doing your best at this mothering thing and still find yourself feeling like a failure from time to time.  Even if you think you're doing an okay job, those moments of doubt inevitably sneak in and you find yourself thinking the worst.  

I'll admit it, sometimes I don't know what to do as a mother.  Most moments my son, Jagger, feels like my life.  This seems natural; he is part of me.  Inseparable, yet oh so obviously separate.  He's his own person.  That's for sure.  Contrary to popular belief, as he gets older mothering seems to get more complex.. not easier.  I find myself asking so many questions.  How do I support him in ways that challenge him to grow and bring comfort when he is hurting? How do I navigate my own emotions so that I can be present for him? Am I doing enough? Too much? What if I royally fuck him up in spite of my best efforts? One of the big ones lately, how do I introduce freedom and play when situations feel heavy and emotional (not sure what I mean.. just wait until you have a pre-pubescent).  For me, play comes easier when we've had a rumble than say, when he's sad about a situation with friends.  Probably because I've had more practice navigating our tiffs than the other ones.  This is where I need practice navigating my emotions to remain present for him.  I can't get wrapped up in all of his experiences or I'll get lost in them too! As he grows so do the questions and I can't help but wonder, if these are the questions I'm asking myself now, what will I be asking myself in five years? On second thought, let's not go there just yet.

As difficult as it can sometimes feel, when I stop and take inventory I think I'm probably doing a pretty damn good job.  While I'm sure I get it "wrong" a lot (mostly because I'm human and I care, which means I can get clouded by my own hopes, fears, joy, and anger), I also have hope that I get it "right" just as often.  I have this hope because Jagger comes to me.  He confides in me when he's hurting and confused.  He laughs with me when he's happy.  He tells me his secrets.  He snuggles with me when he wants comfort.  He argues with me when he doesn't understand.  He's comfortable with me and confident enough in our relationship to know that it can withstand his triumphs and his failures.  So, I choose to believe that if he's coming to me I must be doing something right.  Even when I fuck it up and feel like I'm failing as a mother, somehow he still sees my love and dedication and trusts in his mama.  And I believe that "somehow" has happened in the moments after I get it "wrong."  I believe Jagger chooses his mama because through all the "wrongs" we've built a relationship of love and trust and that's something to celebrate.  

See, I believe relationships are meaningful because they aren't always perfect.  I believe that failing is an opportunity to mend and grow.  It's often how we develop trust and dependability in relationships.  Imperfection is an opportunity to show our vulnerability, to practice handling that vulnerability, and to see how those around us will receive and uplift us when we are less than perfect.  So, when I "screw up" as a mom I make a point of going to Jagger to apologize and discuss the situation.  This action reinforces that I care, that I'm trying, and that I want to be the best mama I can.  I believe that showing Jagger my humanity gives him the freedom and courage to express his.  So, I want to own my imperfect moments by acknowledging them.  This form of parenting goes beyond being "right" simply because I'm the parent and bridges a new relationship with my child because I'm vulnerable enough to show him my insecurities and mistakes.  In this way it becomes clear when I'm in and out of alignment and Jagger can use that as a direct reflection of connection.  When I'm in alignment he sees what connection looks and feels like.  When I'm out of alignment he experiences disconnection.  When, as his mother, I'm able to openly admit my disconnection it becomes more clear to him what both look and feel like.  How I handle each of those states gives him more information to work with.  Can he trust himself? Can he trust me? We build those bonds through experience.  From that perspective, my vulnerability is a gift, to him and to myself.  It is an opportunity to learn and grow, together.  This is perhaps one of the more powerful reasons I can let myself off the hook when I feel like I've done everything wrong and am not sure how to fix it.  I know it's an opportunity to strengthen our relationship by building another bridge.

So, in those moments when I hate how I've handled a situation, I remind myself it's okay to not get it right.  Sometimes getting it "wrong" is part of the process.  It may feel shitty at the time, especially if you're a perfectionist or have some story about perfection from your own childhood.  However, if we can lean in to trust maybe we can allow ourselves a little space to "get it wrong" and still make it right.  In our home that comes in many forms.  It may be an apology for yelling or re-engaging in a conversation where we thought something was left undone.  It could take the form of me admitting to Jagger that I don't feel good about the way I handled a situation and telling him how I would like to have handled it instead.  It could mean telling him how I'd like to engage in a similar situation in the future and asking for his help in reminding me of that.  I also like to ask him what changes he would make if we could go back in time and get a re-do.  In the end, my hope is that the process looks like resiliency.  I'm aiming to model what it looks like to keep going, even when challenged, disappointed, or afraid.  I'm engaging my son in the process in hopes that he too will learn how to admit his shortcomings and I'm giving him the opportunity to practice forgiveness (most of us could use some practice in that department).  I'm allowing his voice to be heard, inviting it even, by asking how he feels and what he would like to see/do next time.  I'm encouraging him to be brave and stay connected when it's uncomfortable.  I'm challenging him to notice when he feels "off" and together we're exploring how we find our way back to internal connection when we've lost our way.

I think this teaches him valuable life lessons, and serves as a great reminder for me too.  For one, Jagger is learning to pay attention to how he feels.  Our bodies are in constant communication with us and if we just notice we'll see when we're getting off track and learn how to adjust.  The more we practice, the better we'll get at noticing, making it more likely to recognize when we're off track sooner than later.  What a powerful insight for our children! He's also learning that relationships aren't some fairy tale version of perfect.  He's experiencing let downs and failures and how they are handled between people who care about one another.  This helps him figure out how he wants to engage in friendship, with future lovers, and even colleagues.  He's learning how trust is built and healthy ways to express his emotions.  He's also getting experience admitting his shortcomings in a safe environment, a crucial skill for awakened living.  Since I believe all these lessons add to living a connected life I think it is time worth investing.  Failure may be an important part of that process.

So, when I'm judging myself for fucking it up as a mom, I try to remind myself of all the love I have for that boy.  I intentionally bring my focus back to the big picture.  The one that says, this experience is only a brushstroke in the painting of Jagger's life.  Then, I try to remember to ask myself, "What do you want the next stroke to be? How do you want to use this experience to help shape his understanding of the world? Where can you release some fear and foster love and connection instead?" With the distance I get from these questions, and taking the time to simply observe my thoughts and feelings, I can usually make a more connected decision on how to move forward.  

Admittedly, the most difficult situations for me are the ones I have no control over.  These are the ones that often happen outside our home - exchanges between Jagger and the world - and they sparked two big question for me:  "How do I navigate my own emotions to stay present for Jagger? How do I introduce freedom and play into heavy situations?" See, at first I viewed these situations as problems (mostly because they made me uncomfortable), but then as I processed more fully I began to see them differently.  So, how do I kick ass at momming when I have no control?

First, I recognize that I am only aware of what has happened because my son does confide in me.  So, I start by celebrating that win.  Then I take note that I'm fortunate to experience this challenge because it's an opportunity for me to truly mother, offering my love and support through presence and hugs instead of being the badass boss I all too often pride myself on.  I also receive this as a reminder that I've created a bond with my son through my own shortcomings and that is why I have this opportunity, one that not all mom's get.  I remind myself of how fortunate I am to be in this position because Jagger knows he can depend on me because of how I've handled all the bumps in the road.  So, even if I do sometimes feel like I'm failing, these situations are proof that I am not.  Taking the time to take all that in really sets the foundation for how I can best support Jagger when he needs me most.

Another purpose that reflection serves is to remind me to allow Jagger his process, even if I do desperately want to "fix it" for him.  I can look back at our history and see how engaging in challenge has transformed our relationship.  Therefore, it is likely that challenge will be a necessary part of his journey in relation to his friends as well.  He must learn to navigate challenges in order to build more bonds both internally and between himself and the rest of the world.  This is one way he will learn to trust himself first, then others.  As his mom, I think it's important that I help guide him, offering questions to assist his process, and allow him room to play in the experience on his own, trusting that he will come back to me when he needs help.  For me, it is important to be involved enough that I know he's safe while holding space for him to learn.  Knowing he is not in imminent danger I can trust the situation is serving him and from there I can express my faith in him to make choices for himself, giving him freedom to experiment.  This practice builds his self esteem and gives him the courage to interact with the world, even when it feels challenging.  In this way I can see that these situations aren't problems at all.  They feel more like love lessons and all it takes to experience them this way is our receptivity to the gift.  

Now, go love on those babies and let them know that you are there for them, unconditionally.  Practice transparency and watch the bond grow.  You are a badass mama! Big love on the adventure.