I recently watched a BDSM video by one of my teachers, Om Rupani, as part of my exploration of power dynamics, male-female relating, pleasure, play, pain, surrender, edges, containment, and working with polarity. Initially the video brought up so many emotions that I couldn’t even get started. The minute I pulled it up I was overcome with a feeling that I was unsafe. The tears began and within seconds I hit pause. After taking some time to go inward and navigate what was coming up for me I realized that this was an invitation into more and made a commitment to watch the video within the week… a gift of containment to myself, creating safety within my body before pushing my edges. What unfolded was true magic.

Some may say that BDSM is for those with a mental illness or childhood issues. However, after exploring it more, I have learned that the true essence of BDSM is innocent and can be a powerful example of how to engage in life with more mindfulness. See, a good Dom pays such close attention to his sub that he knows where her edges are (Dom/sub roles may be male or female; for the purposes of this post I am using a male depiction of the Dom). She can trust him implicitly to notice and honor her body’s responses to the slightest variation in tone, touch, intensity, and so on. He will never push her too far into contraction, as this will inhibit expansion/pleasure. While some amount of pain and/or pressure may be applied to elicit higher and deeper levels of growth, expansion, and pleasure, it will be just enough for the desired effect, and a good Dom knows this, because his only job is to please his sub. Once I was able to watch, this was impeccably clear in the BDSM video that had brought me to tears before it even began.

A few days after my initial meltdown, when my body felt safe enough to hit play once again, I set an hour aside to watch the video in private and another couple hours for processing. Years ago I learned the importance of aftercare, which is also a tenant of BDSM, and unsure what would come up for me I wanted to make sure I had time and space to tend to myself as needed. As I sat in my living room watching the video on my computer screen, I was flooded with one emotion rolling into the next. There were moments of turn-on and pleasure, followed by disgust and visceral responses. I faced the reality of fantasy - a one-sided idea of the pleasure in an act, disregarding the reality that the same act also contains layers of pain - watching the high of fantasy dissolve before my eyes as I felt the yuck alongside the yumm. I noticed how grossed out I felt by some of the play, while also acknowledging how safe I felt as I observed the artistry of Om’s role, his reverence for his sub, and the options she was offered at every turn. The power of choice really hit home for me as they worked together to determine if a point of contraction was truly a “no” or something to work with as a point of deeper expansion. As I sat in this swirl of the yuck and the yumm I was aware of how the same exists in everyday life.

We often want to focus on only the “good,” the pleasurable, without also noticing the “bad,” the pain. However, when we disregard contraction/pain, we miss an opportunity to work with aspects of ourselves that are drawing our attention. So often we put our attention on what feels surface-level-good, disregarding the power in going just a little deeper into our pain/fears/contraction to see if there is something there that wants to be worked with. If so, we may find a pathway into even more pleasure, an even greater capacity for bliss. This is one way we can find the pleasure in the wound. The full spectrum exists within all of our experiences and that is powerful.

Studying BDSM I can see how, despite all the judgments about it, its tenants truly are reflected in living a consciously pleasurable life. Researching it is opening new opportunities for me to meet myself with that same reverence Om offered his sub and to expect that kind of up-leveled love and attention from a romantic partner. Having the courage to watch this video opened space for me to dream even bigger, feel even more powerful, and have even more access to my desires. That is the power of this work. That is the power of “playing in the dark.”

Even in something as simple as watching this one video, I was given the opportunity to look at my darkness and expand my capacity for pleasure and pain. This was evident by the new levels of rage I was able to feel for the things I endured during childhood, and the lack of choice or reverence I was given in my first sexual experiences, when I was too young to understand them in the first place. Studying BDSM opened a portal for me to truly look at polarity (in this case an expansion of capacity for pleasure, which I’ve been consciously focusing on for quite some time now, and pain/sadness/rage/anger) as a powerful healing tool, a dance between opposites that has the ability to choreograph something beautiful and new in our lives.