It’s taken me a while to write this because… well, it was February... I don’t like to say that certain “negatives” are constant, but I am extremely interested in patterns and one that seems to remain is how I feel each February. It’s the darkest of all months for me both physically and mentally. For years I have struggled my way through this month, so this year I approached it a little differently… or at least I tried.

I’ll begin by trying to paint a little picture. As I roll out of the holidays I always have high hopes that THIS February will be different. I tell myself that this year I will do all the things to keep my head right and energy high. I’ll walk, do yoga, lift weights, meet with friends, see my therapist, whatever “it” is that will make me happy and energized. However, the days roll by and with each passing one my energy seems lower, mood more blah. As the sunny days become filled with more grey, I become more cloudy too. My mind grows thick with thoughts that can’t quite make their way out. My fingers heavy with untyped texts. My legs full of lead making movement impossible. My arms 1,000 pounds of dead weight. It’s strange how one month can do this to a person. Yet, here it comes, every year, like clockwork.

It’s a scary time for me. I somehow forget that it will pass. So, I fixate on how long it will last. How many days in a row will I feel like I can’t wake up? How many days until I feel joy again? Will I ever feel again what it feels like to go through a day with energy? Without a nap? Is this the beginning of something terrible? Will I forever drag myself through the days for the rest of my life? Yes, this sounds dramatic, but it’s also a very real depiction of what it is like to live with seasonal depression and chronic conditions that are exacerbated by the winter weather.

So, this year I decided to succumb to it in a way that I hadn’t in years past. I would consciously allow myself to go dark. I knew I’d have to be careful because years ago I went dark unconsciously and didn’t come out of it for months. However, I wanted to play with the process of life and the way it looked to embrace whatever February was here to show me. It was a pattern after all and I’ve learned that patterns usually offer meaning… if we pay attention.

In the beginning I gently allowed myself room for rest by taking a longer nap than usual or trading in my morning walk for morning sun gazing from my balcony. However, as the days went on I found that my body was longing for more. More quiet. More sleep. More stillness. More rest. Oh shit, this was the scary part! See, I can deal with my mind going dark. I’m familiar with the dark corners in there and they do not scare me; not in the way the dark places in my body do. When my body goes dark it always takes me back to the days when I was bed ridden, unable to even walk to the bathroom, crawling from room to room to take care of Jagger and myself. It takes me back to when I couldn’t function. The times when I couldn’t even walk to the end of my street. The memories of feeling like I was holding my family back because I had to take breaks or couldn’t make it to events. The near death experience I asked to return from. The darkness of my body is much more difficult to face than that in my mind.

So, when my body asked for more rest I really wanted to say no. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to get up and go for a run just to prove to her that I could push us a little harder. Didn’t she know I had rested enough?! Instead something inside told me to stay there in the stillness. So, I did and as I waited, my internal knowing began to speak up. She said rest. Just let yourself rest. You’ll come out of it. You always do.

In those moments I began to understand that I did not have to fear rest. I did not have to associate it with loss or something being “wrong.” I could choose to simply take it for what it was… my body’s yearning for recalibration, growth, rejuvenation, and health (even though this was the exact opposite of what I had come to associate with feeling “healthy”). For me, then, “health” came in the form of sleep (and lots of it), moving more slowly, taking it easy, and letting some things go. I was being beckoned to expand my understanding of “health” to encompass a broader perspective than I had allowed before.

Resting forced me to face the fear of my body, re-evaluate where I focus my energy, and recognize that being in the flow means I sometimes don’t meet expectations. I’m grateful for the ability to play in this energy; to co-create such deep and mind-bending experiences for myself.

I’m still looking at what it means to rest.. what it means to en-joy... what it means to live life with no preconceived context or expectations. It’s not a one and done situation, where I took a month off and can now go back to status quo. This is an entirely new paradigm. One that will continue to require me to re-evaluate patterns and belief systems around the idea of rest. One that will beckon me toward more rest as a new way of being. One that will show me how rest is just as productive as “productivity.”

As a matter of fact, as I’m typing this I can feel Spirit drawing me toward even more rest… more than I’ve ever experienced before… which will require me to let go of even more preconceived ideas about laziness, health, and wellness. It will cause me to look more closely at where I get my value (I shared plenty about that in “Worthy”) and how I value my worth. February was only the tip of the iceberg.

So, expect to see more sporadic posting from me as I will be in the feminine flow of life, using my masculine to create as the femme directs, rather than trying to cram the creativity of my femme into a masculine work rhythm. And, if you feel drawn to join me, reach out. It would be an absolute joy to connect with others on a similar journey!

Ciao for now! XOXO ~Amanda