Lately things have gotten a little crazy. The last two years have been a complete whirlwind and while I have settled into deep reverence for my Self and internal knowing I know that not all have had the pleasure of doing the same. This post is a sharing of where that knowing is leading me now.

Each New Year’s Day I have a ritual. I refer to it as my New Year’s Dreaming Session and it’s simply a time I set aside to connect with Self and allow Divinity to show me exactly where I should be setting my attention for the year ahead. I create a piece of artwork around what comes up and then use that as a guidepost for my year. Well, this year was interesting because every single thing that came up was really about connecting deeper into my Self. There were no goals of achievement, just being. As I sat with this for a bit I grew upset, almost angry, that I wasn’t being guided to “do” and “achieve.” So, I (of course) took the time to set with that too. What were all these emotions about and why was I being guided to spend the next year “just” connecting rather than accomplishing?

Well, first of all, doing is a natural state of being for me. Looking back over my life I can see that I gained my self worth from achieving. Straight As - I could make them. Be a “good” daughter - I’ve got you covered. Take care of my brothers and sisters - sure thing. Hold an unhealthy marriage together - I’m on it. “Is that enough? Do you like me now? Am I good enough yet?” I got really good at working to prove I was good enough and deserving of what I wanted in life. After all, if we work hard enough we can have anything, right?

But is that the only way? My time with Spirit has taught me that I actually don’t have to work for anything (gasp). I know that sounds sacreligious to most but Spirit has shown me, over and over, that it’s my intrinsic value that leads to a beautiful life well deserved. And, while I believe that is true of all of us, I’m also aware that it’s not everyone’s life path to let go of the work to receive. That’s okay too! I’ve had my fair share of lifetimes working to feel loved, valued, and worthy, including most of this one. But, that’s all about to change.

How? It began in that day or so when I was sitting with my list of dreams for 2022 and this feeling of complete panic over the internal knowing that it was time to let go of the work. I just marinated in both for a bit. To my surprise, the feelings of anger and frustration lasted for far less time than I thought they would and when it all lifted I emerged this new person ready to work less and receive more. Let me be clear, that doesn’t mean the days since have all been a cakewalk. I’ve still encountered moments of fear and anxiety as I release, especially when I feel I have royally fucked up and my ego is staring me down like a mean-mugging mother fucker, but that is to be expected. I’m human after all. Still, I let go of the judgment, choosing to believe I am worthy, “fuck-ups” and all.

For those of you that know me you may find this idea that I’m being challenged to work less IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve been on this journey for a bit so I figure it may appear as if I already work less than many and have no self-judgments to speak of. Others closer to me may know that I can be my harshest critic and that is what drives my perfectionism. However, the truth is somewhere in the middle. I often feel like a ping pong ball tirelessly bouncing back and forth between work and ease until I’m in a tailspin between the two. So, my hope for 2022 is to be less like that ping pong ball and to instead embody the float down a beautiful river. My only job, integrity with the self.

What does that mean? For one, no more working for anyone’s approval, love, and value; most importantly, not even my own. Secondly, only holding myself accountable to what feels right on the inside of me. Knowing I am worthy, valuable, and lovable simply for being me. Knowing that my worth is not wrapped up in what I have achieved or how much work I do to prove it, but instead accepting that my worth is in me, my existence, the energy I contribute to the world simply by being in it. Knowing that when I do fall out of alignment with myself I can trust that my relationship with my Inner Knowing and Divinity will guide me back into integrity. Remembering that when this does happen it doesn’t make me less worthy of receiving my desires, it makes me human.

So, what does that mean for 2022? For one, it means life is going to get a lot more fun because I now have an even grander sense of freedom (yes, the universe is challenging me to be even more free!). It means I’m going to piss some people off (as a matter of fact I already have) because there is no room left for any amount of living outside of integrity with myself regardless of how that’s viewed by another. It means I’m going to challenge others to take a look at their relationship with their own values (because seeing another human living in integrity with the self is a sure fire way for the universe to hold a mirror to our face). It means I might disappoint you. I might even disappoint myself. I might realize I’m not as perfect as and have far less control than the egoic part of my nature likes to believe. I might have to embrace the imperfect parts a bit more and heal the associated shame. I might have to admit that even in the presence of these “less-than” parts, I’m still worthy of everything my heart desires.

I find it interesting that I’m being guided to let go of the “work to feel worthy attitude” at a time when I’m manifesting the most vulnerable parts of my current transformation. Yet The Universe says “let go, my love. I’ve got you.” And, because my spiritual practice has shown me that following my inner guidance always leads me to something greater, I will surrender. I will do the mindful work of letting go. I will surrender the trying, the working, the panting… and simply let the river carry me wherever it may. I will enjoy the sun and the water, the lush tropics that surround. I will remember that when it feels scary, if I can simply trust and let go of the shore I’m so desperately trying to cling to, the water will be gentle with me. It will hold me up and keep me afloat as it carries me to my next destination. All I have to do is allow it to support me and flow with it. Sometimes, even my best intentions, are a working against rather than a working with. That may be the most difficult reality of all. Knowing that my strive for perfection is only a slap in the face of the very god that made me and loves me, “faults” and all.

If this message resonates with you, reach out. I’d love to support you on your journey toward more. Big love. XOXO ~Amanda