Over the last week or two I’ve been taking a deep dive into shadow work. I always love becoming more aware of my shadows because it gives me the space to take a step back and observe. When we’re still in our shadows, intertwined with them, unaware of the behaviors they are responsible for, things can feel sticky, dark, and heavy. Once we become aware of their workings things often feel much lighter and can even become humorous.

Being conscious of our shadows also offers us the opportunity to make choices that feel in greater alignment with our higher self. When our actions feel aligned with who we really are we are more likely to feel proud of our behaviors. When we are misaligned, or acting from our shadows, we often feel ashamed of our actions and begin judging ourselves or others, maybe even blaming the other for our behavior. That rarely feels good.

So, how do you take your power back when your shadow has been running things? First, use humor. Don’t take yourself so seriously. We all have shadows, so you’re not a failure for it! It’s part of the human experience to have unknown parts of yourself lurking in the background. When you notice one of your shadows (because there are many) make friends with it. Be silly. One way I do this is by making a joke of my behavior when I catch myself mid-shadow. For instance, the other day I caught myself judging Kevin for doing something that I viewed as less than ideal. So, I quickly turned it around by being silly and saying “I would know because I’m so much better than you.” My ability to make fun of myself have us both a good laugh. No fighting needed. The truth is we all have some version of this and if we can just laugh at our shadows from time to time rather than taking ourselves so seriously it really does loosen its grip.

Another thing I find especially helpful is to just forgive yourself. It feels terrible to act in a way that doesn’t align with our true self so why make it worse with shame? When we act in a way that doesn’t feel good our next choice is critical. Will we shame ourselves and go down a path of guilt and resentment which often brings more misaligned behaviors or do we recognize our misalignment and make it right? The choice is yours. The choice to make things right brings me to my final tip.

In order to do this all that’s required is to make a choice that feels better. You don’t have to get it perfect. Just take a step toward greater alignment. To do this simply ask yourself, “what would it take to feel how I really want to feel in this situation?” and do that thing. This happened to me last week. Kevin and I were at a restaurant when my shadow crept up and I had an interaction that I was less than pleased with. Rather than stir around in misery, self judgment, and remorse, I decided to make it right. I wasted no time taking responsibility for my actions and offering an apology for my behavior. That quick action shifted my entire experience, allowing me to enjoy our time out and not think twice about the time I had given my shadow. For me, this was an opportunity to live with integrity and I jumped at the chance.

In that instant of noticing how I was feeling (embarrassment, mortification, less than who I know myself to be) I made the choice to make it right. I could have spent my entire meal (or the next three days) mortified by my behavior, contemplating what others must think of me and more importantly, wrestling with the internal conflict brought on by misaligned action, that is the difference between who I thought myself to be and what my actions said about me. Choosing the shame path would have widened that gap. Choosing the aligned action path lessened the gap and actually deepened the sense of identity I want to establish for myself.

Owning our mistakes is a much faster and less painful path to feeling good, for both us and the other. It frees us to be exactly who we want to be and gives the other an opportunity to see the truest version of us. Nobody is perfect. We all fall victim to our shadows from time to time, so there’s no reason to feel ashamed for being human. A great way to create love and connection is through vulnerability and this is one way to practice doing just that.

Have you tried it? How did it work out for you? Send me an email and share your experience!

Big love! XOXO ~Amanda