Living with PTSD is no walk in the park. Lately I’ve been struggling and that calls for digging deep. In the midst of my emotional self torture and feelings of doom something arose - a different perspective on an already existent piece of consciousness. A glimmer of the girl I used to be. Her desire to come forward. The sense of fear that followed. Vulnerability. Abandonment. Longing. So, I listened. I took note. I emailed my psychologist. I watched as this new imprint was laid atop an old one… like sketches of architecture layered one on the other, blueprints of a masterpiece.

It’s scary, being alone in the world. Even when I know I’m not, it still feels as if I am. Who can I truly trust? (No one.) Who can I truly lean on? Who won’t abandon me? Mistreat me? Harm me? These are not conscious thoughts that go through my mind. Rather, they are stamps of mis-trust laid on my soul at the tender age of five. They are always with me no matter where I go. The one sweet reprieve, I had a glorious five years or so where these haunting feelings did not exist. You may be thinking I’m referring to the five years before my trauma. Yes, those were beautiful too, but they are not the years I am referring to here. These five years took place in adulthood. A snippet of time when I was able to lay down my fear and live freely, unafraid. Where did that girl go? I want to know her again.

Let me backtrack a moment. It was around the time Jagger was born when I took a deep dive into non-religious spirituality. I had begun reading and researching in the years before, mostly about creativity and spirit. The information flooded my entire existence, familiar to my soul. I watched Oprah’s Soul Series with a hunger to know more and by the time Jagger was born I was well on my way, reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. I had grown up feeling a sense of “otherness” and a general dis-trust for others. I had not rationalized that feeling or wondered where it came from. It was all I could remember knowing. However, the more I read about presence, the more I heard about spirit, I realized there was another way and I wanted to experience life beyond fear.

Ironically, this was the same time my marriage was falling apart. To me, Kevin felt out of control. We were on two different wave lengths. Him wanting to party, me wanting to be home with my new baby. I spent most weeks home alone with Jagger while Kevin traveled for work and weekends were a blur. By the time we got divorced it really just felt like sweet relief.

Before divorce Kevin and I had decided to seek professional support to hopefully save our marriage. One of my friends had recommended someone she saw and after discussing with Kevin I immediately made an appointment. We thought our relationship depended on it. What I didn’t yet know was how much I would come to transform through it. When it comes to describing that first appointment rough is an understatement. Still, we committed, pressing on with regular sessions, sometimes together, sometimes alone. The more I visited this woman the closer I felt to myself, the more alive and free my spirit. I wanted more. Eventually it became clear that what I was truly after I would better find on my own. So, Kevin and I split up. He moving back to Louisville. Me continuing regular appointments with my mentor, mindfully creating the life I so desired.

It was during those sessions that I became free. Free from the fear, judgment, and mis-trust that had been a regular part of my life for as long as I could remember. I created new friendships where I laughed (and I mean truly laughed), shared, listened, and played on a regular basis. I was finally experiencing true joy. I continued on this path for years, inviting new people into my life, trusting my internal wisdom, believing I could handle anything life threw my way. Then, one day, out of the blue, gripping fear. The memory of childhood rape. Sadness. Inward reflection. More fear. Panic. Isolation. Paralyzation. Complete terror.

That was eight years ago and while I often rely on the tools I learned during those five splendid years of freedom, they are, at times, more difficult to employ now than before. It takes much more meditation to feel half as grounded as I did in the days before my memory. Getting calm enough to meditate requires a practice all its own. Conscious breathwork throughout my day is a must. Hearing my inner voice is often less sudden and clear, now requiring what feels like sludging through a swamp of thick, untended emotions and fear. I must cut down the overgrown vegetation as I slowly work my way forward, eventually revealing the sun.. my internal wisdom. It is SO. MUCH. WORK. Yet I do it, mostly happily, sometimes wearily, because I know it is important for living life the way I desire. To be honest it goes deeper than that. Living with PTSD and General Anxiety Disorder, the only way I can trust my choices most days is to know they are coming from my soul. Making a non-guided decision is extremely stressful and often impossible due to the paralyzed feeling that comes with all the what-ifs. In the rare instances when I do force myself into a choice it usually results in days of emotional self torture, so seeking internal guidance is a must. The irony is those conditions make settling down enough to hear myself a challenge in itself. Thus the process.

So, I accepted a long time ago that I would do that work for as long as it takes to manage the intense fear and anxiety I face on the regular. AND, now I’m opening space for the girl I used to be to come forward once again because I know she’s eager to put her stamp on life. She is not afraid of the betrayal that happened to me when I was five. She can handle it. It just feels extremely scary to let her. This takes consciousness. My desire is to stay present and allow her to deal with my true feelings, the heavy, difficult shit that the panicked part of me can’t face. My fear is that I will compartmentalize and shut down what I’m feeling in order to put myself through the motions of a “happy” life. I’m afraid I will do this in order to make myself feel like I’m allowing the intuitive, trusting part of me a seat at the table when in actuality I am not. Or worse yet, what if I really do get to the place of complete acceptance for what happened in my past? Does that mean I forgive my monster? Would that make what he did okay? A large part of me does not want to let go of how much I hate him; how wrong it was of him to do this to me. With all of this at play I can still say the higher functioning part of me hopes to integrate the truth of my childhood trauma and the wisdom of the trusting, grounded goddess I have created through years of spiritual and emotional work. My higher self wants to forgive, let go, and move on. BUT I have questions.. Can I do it? Can I be both? Honest with how I’m feeling now and honest about my longing for more? Can I stand in the space between, arms outstretched in each direction, surrendering to what is in that very moment?

This wonderment reminds me of a thought I shared with my mentor in the early days of our work together. I remember excitedly telling her that the work was working! Then, questioning if I would be able to keep it up for the long haul. Her response was something akin to, “The only way to know is to just keep doing it.” So, when I ask myself if I can do this work in what feels like a complete shit storm (my current state), I remember I’ve done it before and all I have to do is just keep doing it. Stay present. Surrender. Allow.

And, although I have been struggling these last few years I can see that in many ways I have been keeping up with what my mentor taught me. Even in the most difficult of times, when I have felt like I was swimming in a lake of shit, I didn’t drown. I have stayed true to the work, even in my discomfort. Going inward. Excavating new ground. Listening. Learning. Observing. Feeling. Paying attention. It’s time to let go of self judgment for how my work has looked and to remember what I actually believe to beautiful. It’s also time to honor my desire for more… to settle back in to trust and joy.

One thing I know - trust always begins with trusting ourselves. This week my psychologist was a beautiful mirror for me in this arena, reminding me of several ways I have been handling it, an indicator that I can trust myself to handle anything that comes my way. That knowing that arose in me during my five years of freedom is still true. I can trust myself to embark on this new leg of my journey and as I do I will be conversing with that five years of freedom version of myself more often. I will be asking her how she would handle things. I will be seeking her guidance because she is wise and fun and grounded and cool as hell. She will be showing up much more often and when I feel afraid I will let her know so she can help me navigate my fears. When I’m in an emotional torture chamber I will invite her to unlock the door. I want more of her joy and free spirit once again.

While it may feel like she hasn’t been around much lately I know the truth is she has been with me all along. We are one. Inseparable. She never actually went anywhere, I just didn’t feel safe enough to let her speak. Through the help of EMDR and CBT I am now beginning to feel a little more secure. So, it makes sense that this version of myself would choose this moment to speak up about her desire to join the healing process.

Integrating the five years of freedom me into this process gives me the sense that I will have more agency in how I’m handling things that come up in life. I’m hopeful that this will shift the way I interact with myself and the vast array of feelings that come with PTSD and GAD. I’m also feeling positive about how this will extend out into the ways I interact with others. Navigating our mental health can be tricky and while we are never truly in control, sometimes it feels good to know we at least have control of ourselves. If you struggle with any of these issues I encourage you to find a mentor, psychologist, or therapist who can support you on your journey.

Finally, I’ll leave you with a few nuggets from my five years of freedom self. Here are a some things she had to say in our latest conversation, maybe something will speak to you too.

• Just as you believed you could trust yourself to handle anything during your five years of freedom, you can trust yourself to handle anything now! You are fierce! Whatever comes your way let internal wisdom be your guide. You’ve got this!

• Because you trust yourself you can trust others. Your internal guidance system is accurate. Tune in. Listen. Be confident. Brave. Fierce.

• You belong. Fuck it when people don’t see our beauty. You have kickass friends who love you for you. Let them in. Focus on the love. Shine bright, girl!

• You are awesome. You’re loving and kind, always have the best intentions, and are a person of integrity. Do you.

• Get out there. When you feel uncomfortable know you are part of a village of people that love and adore you. You’re not for everyone and that’s okay. Let your people find you.

• Don’t forget to laugh! You are funny as hell and people should get to know that part of you. Surround yourself with others that live in the moment and enjoy!

• Don’t take life too seriously! Sure, you want to be perfect, but that’s no fun and totally not necessary! Make mistakes. Play. Dance in the rain!

XOXO ~Amanda