Lately I’ve been reflecting A LOT. I’m not sure if it’s actually more than usual, but it feels different, almost like I’m making realizations at warp speed. I suppose this could be because things are being thrown at me faster than before. From COVID-19 to the horrific events putting a new spotlight on racism, I’ve had a lot to think about. These are the times being a thinker can become a bit overwhelming. At the same time, I’m learning a lot about myself and others which is one of my greatest passions.

With all of this thinking and reflecting I’ve been intentional about the practice of observing. While noticing has been part of my spiritual practice for years I learned about how to apply it in different ways during my Master’s program. It was during my time at Antioch that I learned about the various chairs of noticing and how we can practice real time changes by noticing in action or later shifts in understanding and/or behavior by noticing on action. One thing I’ve learned through this practice is I’m really great at noticing patterns. This is especially helpful during dark times, when I need some understanding about life and feel I’m ready for a shift. Today I want to share a pattern that’s been emerging in my life lately and what I think it is teaching me.

I’ve noticed over the last several weeks opportunities arising that are challenging me to show up differently than I have in the past. It’s as if I’m being asked to shed some of the ways of being that have kept me safe and/or made me feel powerful up until now. As I’ve taken the time to go inward and understand these patterns I noticed that the universe is challenging me to show up fully as the person I am today, a product of the years of work that have brought me to this exact moment in time. It’s as if I’m emerging from the 6 year cocoon I’ve been developing in, ready to experience life as the butterfly I have become. This requires me to fully embrace and trust myself and to openly share my beauty with others. Perhaps my only job - integrity with the self. Sometimes others will understand the ways in which my integrity appears, sometimes they won’t. Their understanding is irrelevant to what I’m being asked to do. If others seek to understand I will share. If they pass judgments and project their own fears and misgivings onto me I will notice the shame that brings up in me, approaching myself with curiosity and love, taking the time to heal my unhealed parts so that I can in turn offer even more love and understanding to others.

This is also an opportunity to notice where my ego arises. For me, being misunderstood pretty much always triggers the ego. It’s often the first thing I feel before a shame storm and the non-stop train of thoughts that follow. How can I explain what I really meant? How can I get them to see my intentions? This is what I should have done! If I would’ve only said this they would see what I meant! When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? Then, deeper shame.. What will others think of me? They must think I’m a complete moron! They know the kind of work I do, now they’re going to think I have no idea what I’m talking about. They must think I’m a horrible person, insensitive, out of touch, etc. This is ALL ego. One way I know this is because these thoughts arise when I am perceived by the other in a way that doesn’t align with my sense of identity.

In reality it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks and when others are projecting judgments about themselves onto us it’s impossible to explain our way into their understanding. When they are clear, they see clearly. When we are clear, we see clearly. What I mean by this is that when we are practicing non-judgment we are able to approach the other with curiosity, better understanding their feelings and intentions. When we approach the other through the lens of judgment it is impossible to see anything but. The same holds true with how others see and approach us. Knowing this helps me loosen the grip on my need to be understood. When the shame storm hits I can go inward rather than outward. I can thank my ego for wanting to take care of me and work with it rather than against it.

One way I do this is investigating what safety looks and feels like for me. Since I trust my internal knowing above all else I go there. Sitting quietly I let everything come up, feeling all my feelings, offering comfort where needed. I then acknowledge that even though may ego wants to avoid discomfort at all costs it is sometimes necessary for growth. I remind myself that I can trust myself to navigate unknown and uncomfortable territory. I then bring myself to the uncomfortable situation that has caused the shame storm and ask myself if my actions reflected my truth (remember, integrity is my number one priority). I ask if there is something for me to learn from the experience. I even ask if there is something I need to do to close the loop in order to be more closely aligned to my integrity.. not because my ego is spinning out (this is a very important distinction).

I share this with you because we are living in a really intense moment in history and that can stir up a lot of chaos in and around us. A reminder that our job is not to please everyone else and instead to please our deepest truest self may be just what you need to return to love. When we come into alignment with ourselves things become more clear and decisions can be made with more ease. This isn’t to say that misunderstandings won’t hurt. We are human and interaction with other humans sometimes touches our shame and fear. That can be painful. What I am proposing is that if you know you are acting from a place of integrity, perhaps it will make the miscommunications a bit more bearable. You will know you honored yourself and you can then do the work of transforming your shame instead of catering to it.

I hope this post gave you a fresh perspective on shame and the ego, or at least reignited your curiosity about it. For more on internal knowing and conversations with the self visit my blog and Instagram account. Big love and keep shining!

XOXO ~Amanda