Today I heard the lovely Glennon Doyle discussing the use of TV to help get us through parenting in this pandemic. She encouraged parents to use it and in her always humorous way, even encouraged it, making exorbitant amounts of TV time perfectly okay.. good even. I laughed. Hard. Then let her words stir through my mind, on repeat until I had a swirl of ideas that eventually formed into what felt like a big fat non-dairy, no sugar added ice cream blizzard of yumminess. So, naturally, I wanted to share that with you.

My poor son, Jagger, is an only child which has led me to question if he’s lonelier than his friends with siblings during this stay at home order, or if perhaps, it’s a bonus because he isn’t homebound with even more annoying people. I mean maybe having a family of three is helpful right about now. Less people to get on your nerves, right? Okay, all jokes aside, he really does have to find ways to connect with other kids his age (especially now). That is something that I, as the oldest of four children, never had to consider. Even when stuck at home for a week during or more because of snow I always had a sibling to play with. One way Jagger connects with his peers is through gaming. I swear the kid would play 14 hours a day if we let him. In the pre-Coronavirus days sports, school, homework, and the like would make a 14 hour Xbox binge impossible. But these are not “normal” days we’re living in are they? There are no organized sports. School is done online (more electronics!) and even outside play is limited because playdates are a no-go during the stay at home order. So what’s a kid (or mom or dad) to do?

This question has been on my mind a lot and listening to Glennon’s Instagram video I began making connections. Yes, I could completely lose the panic I often feel when I realize my child has spent 6+ hours on video games. I had already been (working on) letting that go.. while part of me was also desperately clinging to my own ideological views of being a “good parent” by limiting screens (I am the Contradiction Queen after all). I could also set boundaries for him around time limits online without feeling the need to entertain him when he’s not gaming. So not to set up an either/or approach, but one of both/and; a philosophy I work to remember in times when I’m being challenged to see “one right way.” Now, realizing it is not my job to entertain Jagger isn’t a huge problem for me (entertainment guilt is more Kevin’s department), but I do sometimes feel I should play with him every time he asks because “one day he won’t ask anymore.” This fear stems from the “kids grow up too fast” and “just wait, soon enough he’ll want nothing to do with you” culture we moms are often spoon-fed until we want to pop.

So, while yes, I want to play with my son and enjoy shooting baskets and Mario Bros. for as long as possible, I also want to practice self care and nurture my own sense of play (and rest and self-nurturing), especially now. There’s no question Jagger is going to be on video games, Tik Tok, YouTube, and the television more than I’d like right now. It’s a fact I’ve come to accept. We are literally home 24/7 for the unforeseen future, with no physical connection to friends or extended family. Under the circumstances there are only so many options a 12 year old boy will find interesting and to put it bluntly, I don’t care to try to find new projects he can busy himself with. I want him to feel nourished and learn what it is to nurture himself, which means he’s got to steer the ship when safe to do so.. and right now it’s probably pretty damn safe. We’re home, his teachers are understanding and supportive, and he’s getting lot of love. I also think much of society might be experiencing a collective trauma right now. So who am I to tell my son that he can’t have the comfort of online gaming with friends or an uplifting YouTube video to get him through? I wouldn’t want anybody taking away my Housewives or Netflix! That said, I do believe in boundaries and that it is my job to help my pre-teen child learn how to create his own. I am his mother after all, and while I do not own him, he did entrust his soul to me to help him find his way. So, while I don’t always know the exact number of daily screen time hours I feel comfortable with, I do know what feels good in the moment. I know he might need a break when I hear him yelling at the game. I know if he hasn’t eaten in several hours he should probably come up for air and fuel his body. I know that daily movement and sunshine have to be on the agenda. I also have a very clear dream for my family - that we each feel safe, loved, joyful, and fulfilled.

From this dream that yummy ice-cream blizzard was born. When I see that Jagger is becoming irritable or entering the zombie phase I can gently nudge him out by asking him to take a break for an hour or two. During this time I can play alongside him or offer suggestions for solo activities like reading one of his favorite books or playing a musical instrument. Sometimes I even ask him to simply switch to something educational like a TEDex or TEDed video for a bit (he can choose the topic). My very FAVORITE thing… asking him to take a break, offering him no direction whatsoever, and telling him he’ll be on his own because I’m doing something I enjoy. Yes, he might become a little anxious or “bored” at the thought of having “nothing to do.” Good! Perfect! I’ve provided him a window to search his soul and access his desire. I’ve given him the opportunity to get curious and be creative. These are the moments when I see his nervous system settle and I watch him bloom. This is when I find him on the swing hanging from the tree in our front yard, barefoot, lost in his thoughts. This is when he draws comics or creates one of a kind Fortnite skins. This is the gift I give him.. time to find himself.

No, it is not my job to entertain my child 24/7 during the COVID-19 Pandemic. It is also not the TV’s job. It is my belief that we can have both/and. We can indulge in more TV or video games than usual and we can learn how to navigate life with more awareness, tapping into our divine nature. We can watch our children blossom not in spite of this pandemic, but perhaps, just maybe, because of it.

What if we viewed this down time, freeing our schedules for play and exploration, as a gift from the universe? What if we didn’t feel the need to entertain our kids all damn day and instead let them be? What if we loosened the reigns on “TV time” and trusted our children to find their way when we saw the need to reign it in? What if modeling this behavior without explanation taught them to begin enacting it for themselves? What if we trusted ourselves to parent without rules, relying instead on our own intuition? What if we took this time to get to know what we like too? I am. Will you?