Lately I’ve been a hot mess. Turning 40 has done a number on me. I wasn’t expecting it. I LOVE getting older, so I was blindsided by the swell of emotions I have felt over the last few days and weeks. Have I done enough? What have I actually created? How do I find and keep purpose? Am I a royal fuck up? Have all my dreams passed me by? So many questions!

For me, life stopped in a way when I re-entered a relationship with my ex-husband. I left my job and embarked on a journey of deep healing with him. We entered into a contract of sorts, more spiritual than what you may be thinking. Our souls had agreed to come together to do big work in this lifetime and I guess I wasn’t aware of how difficult it would be. Perhaps if I had known I never would have agreed. That said, I know the work is valuable. That is what keeps me here, in this loop, waiting for something to break free.

See, we subconsciously and then consciously agreed to do something fairly new in this particular universe. We decided to embark upon a dual, entwined consciousness journey. We agreed to take on our biggest work together and to co-create the life of our dreams. He would be the masculine force, holding the space of providing and protecting. I would be the feminine, directing our dreams and communicating our vision. I would work on my health and the collective energy of our home and he would provide the means to my dreams, the boundaries within which we could play, the structure.

The thing is, I had been doing this work for years on my own, even playing with it in friendships and romantic relationships along the way. I had been working intently, making room for play, designing my desires, balancing it all as a single mom. While that felt safe and was quite natural for me, over the years I grew tired of doing it all on my own. The more time that passed, the more I played with my internal energy and the energies of those around me, the more strongly I began to feel about doing this kind of spiritual work within a committed relationship. See, I truly believe there is a level of magic we can access in relationships that we simply cannot do on our own. I knew it would take a very special man to embark on this journey with me. All along the way no one felt just right. There were men with money who were afraid of my eccentric ways. There were millionaires intrigued by my energy and simultaneously unable to keep me interested. There were firemen and managers of professional soccer teams, Europeans who totally got my hippie ways, yet found my big dreams a bit scary. There were men who absolutely loved playing with me, yet could not imagine settling down with that energy. Then there were a couple who absolutely adored me, but didn’t feel masculine enough when intermingled with my energy. Through all the lovers that weaved in and out of my life, I knew I would one day meet a man willing to embark on this journey with me. Little did I know I already knew him... Or did I?

Kevin, my ex-husband and baby daddy, knew me well and unlike the other men he was steadfast on his desire to wife me (again). More than that though, he wanted to support me, wasn’t afraid of my dreams or crazy ways, and loved our little dude. While I had never envisioned myself in another relationship with him, when the time came something clicked. He was the one. Now, five years later, I can’t believe we’re still together, working through this gigantic thing called life beside one another.

Guys, conscious relationships take work. This is not all rainbows and butterflies. It is just as often filled with fights and tears, moments of wanting to end it all and run for my life. It threatens my every desire and somehow simultaneously makes them feel possible. By design, this kind of relationship brings up all my fears (my partner’s too). It is an opportunity to heal those parts of myself that would remain untouched without another. It is meant to bring my shadows to the conscious realm in an effort for me to see and transcend them. Sometimes it feels toxic - the triggering forces that transpire and the pain that ensues. Other times it feels like a healing salve, covering me in calm as I am blanketed with soothing touch and love. Both made possible by the passion that must exist to create on the level I am seeking.

What I am learning in this relationship is that I want to confront the scary stuff in a way that is loving and calm while also bringing passion to the equation. I want to see myself as I am, be seen by the other for my truth, and likewise give that same gift to my partner. I’m realizing that this takes work. We don’t always get it right. That is when I want to leave (when our passion has gotten the best of us and we seem to have gotten it all so wrong), yet that is also the perfect opportunity to shift, to transform my former way of being into something I feel more proud of, more aligned with. It is an opportunity to use intention as my guide. To breathe. To get more present. To articulate my feelings in a more clear and concious way. To be the realest of real.

Writing this I feel anxious, afraid it won’t work, yet I know it does. I’ve used these methods so many times before with the most astonishing of results. This is how I have raised my son, navigated friendships, approached my work environments. It only feels more impactful here because in some ways the stakes are higher. I want this relationship to work. I want to achieve this big dream I have with my partner. I want to create something that has never been done before. I want to walk consciously, hand in hand, with a man, seeing one another for who we are, loving each other through the pain, finding joy in the work, transcending this plane to enter another, consciously manifesting a collective dream together. If I fail it will suck… royally. At the same time, I will have reached for something that only a few do. That doesn’t lessen the pain. It simply makes the effort worth it.

I still cry, wondering if it’s going to work. I still fear my efforts will go in vain. I still have moments of questioning my relationship and wishing it could be easier. I also laugh as I navigate the silliness of it (once I step out of my story and see how I’d rather be). I celebrate the fun times. I revel in the passion of it all. This is big stuff I am doing and I am fortunate enough to have someone to do it with. So, when I ask myself all those questions I began this post with, I remind myself to look back at the work I’ve done over the last 40 years and to take in what I am creating now, within a committed partnership. It is then that I begin to feel a bit more settled into believing I am, and have done, enough… so far. Sure, I’m still creating the life of my dreams. Knowing me, I’ll be doing that until the day I die. For now, I can find peace in the work I am doing, day by day.

This type of relationship, consciously coupling, requires a new way of being. It requires a commitment to one another and a commitment to the process. That in itself is meaningful work. It requires a new way of looking at things. It beckons me to re-define my interpretation of toxicity. It asks me to no longer judge a fight as bad or laugher as good. It summons my inner child and healer. It asks me to willingly enter treacherous ground, believing I will discover a jewel worth the pain of the journey. This is not for the weary. This is a consciousness journey like no other. It magnifies the work I have done on my own, refining it more deeply under the pressure of intimate relationship. In many ways it is like the formation of a diamond or the discovery of an unearthed ecosystem. This is work that must be done with vulnerability with another. This is the path of conscious coupling - doing relationships differently, purposely choosing someone who triggers our deepest, darkest shit in an effort to heal it all, and loving one another through it.

If you have questions about conscious coupling or want to share your story reach out to me on social media or share a comment below. Remember, we are braver than we think and stronger than we imagine. Big love! xoxo~ Amanda