Yesterday something interesting happened. I made the conscious choice to engage in a Facebook post that I normally would have passed over, for fear of being misunderstood, paradigm differences, protection of my nervous system.. the list of reasons for my usual choice to not engage goes on and on. However, something in me felt really clear about commenting, so I followed my gut and went for it.

Earlier that morning I had journaled for a bit before my doctor’s appointment. The gist of my time focused on how to show up as the human I want to be inside a committed, intimate relationship. This is one of my soul’s biggest lessons - a journey I often find defeating and too difficult to complete. I was flushing out my feelings and experiences; questioning exactly how to show up as the person I want to be when my partner’s actions trigger deep judgment of myself. This starts a cycle where I become hard on him in an effort to get him to behave in a way that will stroke the part of my ego that knows how to choose a “good” partner and will therefore lessen my self judgment.

I knew I was on to something big as I was writing and noticing myself; almost as if watching my feelings and actions play out on a movie before me. Still, there was something I wasn’t connecting. How could I begin to decrease my need for my partner to behave as I saw fit? How could I allow him the space to be exactly who he is, even if I disagree or see things differently, and also stop judging myself for choosing someone who “hasn’t gotten it yet” or “isn’t as far along as me” (yes I realize those thoughts have judgment and ego written ALL OVER THEM)? I left for a doctor’s appointment with this curiosity ruminating in my soul. I may have quickly asked for guidance or perhaps it was just a natural part of my curiosity to be guided on how I could change my interaction with this energy. I can’t remember for sure. I just know it was unresolved and I had a desire for more, knowing there had to be a way, even if I wasn’t seeing it.

So, I went on to my appointment, leaving my morning thoughts and journaling session for another time. Thinking, I’ll come back to that later today (meaning I’d spend intentional time during my mid-day meditation session to ask for guidance and hopefully find clarity), I moved on with other responsibilities. There was obviously still a part of me looking for wisdom because I took my journal with me in case I had extra time to free think in the doctor’s office waiting room. However, once at my appointment the thoughts of the morning were in the distant past. I was now fully immersed in the present moment of doctor talk and snapping selfies in that ridiculous mask they gave me to wear. Even when I opened Facebook, waiting on a prescription, I didn’t think of my thoughts and struggles earlier that morning. Yet, I was being guided. The, perhaps unspoken, desire of my heart had been heard. Yes, the Universe can even use Facebook and the judgment of others to allow us to see where we are judging and remind us of who we want to be (and truly are at our core).

So, there I was, in my car, waiting for my prescription to be prepared, scrolling away when I saw the post that would change how I show up for my significant other. As I said before, it was something I would usually skip over, especially knowing that my views were different than the views of the person posting. However, something came over me - a calm, a clarity - and I commented. My comment was not meant to be provoking. It was rather neutral in terms of the issue, addressing instead the space between, the possibility of de-stigmatizing a topic without normalizing it. I spoke of how de-stigmatizing is an effort of removing shame and disgrace from something; an opportunity for us to offer grace to someone in need. Given the intentional love I poured into my comment I was not prepared for the emotional lashing out it provoked from others. There was an outpouring of judgment and anger from a group I genuinely thought could understand the concept of grace better than most. However, I suppose offering grace to someone who does something one disagrees with is difficult for many of us.

As the interaction progressed I miraculously remained centered. My sympathetic nervous system was activated provoking tachycardia, shakiness, and what I call an overall jello-like feeling. Yet, I was clear minded, full of focus and precision. I continued to interact, speaking of the complexities involved in making difficult decisions and the struggle, thought, and care that often goes into a choice of that nature; the self judgment that often follows; the importance of being reminded of the good in us when we have done something that can be judged or experienced as “bad.” The conversation continued for a bit and the more I typed about love, grace, and especially judging one another by our greatest moments instead of our worst ones, the closer I came to my guidance. It was in me all along. It just had to be pulled out by a situation that I had no entanglement with, allowing for an evocation of my deepest compassion.

While I shared a lot about grace and understanding in my comments, it was as I was typing these words that my aha moment came “..and when I do (fail or cause pain), it feels good to be reminded that I am not the worst things I have done. Sometimes we all need reminded that we are a child of god and we can choose better.. to be judged on the best pieces of our character. “ It was in that moment between moments that I could see I had been judging my significant other not on the best things he has done and the best parts of himself, but the worst. I was fixating on his downfalls instead of his triumphs. The answer was simple. The shift, easy, once I saw how I wanted to show up in life as it was projected on a situation I wasn’t personally enmeshed in (and have a natural amount of great compassion for). The Facebook conversation, that I almost passed up, made it easy for me to see how I wanted to transfer my beliefs about that situation onto my current relationship. Because of this I was immediately able to better notice when my judgments showed up and took the opportunity to hold myself accountable for choosing how I’d rather be. Because of this experience I have been able to see that the same grace and compassion I would offer a stranger in the midst of her failure and self judgment should be offered to my partner when he is experiencing struggle, no judgment needed. While that may seem obvious now, it was not so obvious when I was living in the entangled mess of actions and expectations. However, all it took was a nanosecond of insight to transform years of self inflicted agony and pain, created by my judgment.

With that, I’d like to leave you with one final thought below. It is another snippet from my comments in the post that brought me this great guidance. Let the words sink in as you move throughout your day and don’t forget to show someone their goodness when they’re struggling to see it in themselves. You can see more of my thoughts on this subject on my Instagram Highlight “Big Love.”

“The idea of offering grace isn’t predicated on the other’s actions. That would dismiss the greater concept. Rather, it is an outstretched arm in the form of love, connection, and healing; something hurting people greatly need… most likely, that (hurting) person needs to know they are loved much more than I need to be angry (or express my anger toward them).”

Big Love! XOXO ~Amanda