Lately I've been thinking about this thing we call mediocrity.  The idea that we are all meant to do something "great" and what exactly that means.   Purpose.. What is it and how do we know if we're on the right path? 

My entire life I've felt like I have things to say, learn, and do.  As a young child I would set my stuffed animals up and teach them about life.  I remember one particular instance when I was in third grade.  My Nana had given me her Sunday School teacher's book to play with and I had diligently gone through it in order to prepare for teaching my class of dolls and stuffed animals.  As I was presenting to them I went off course, talking about life as a winding road, sometimes taking us the scenic route to our destination.  I spoke of forks in the road and choices we could make and how no matter the choice we would always be on course, headed to our ultimate destination. Looking back now, thirty years later, I see I could have only known these things because they were embedded in my soul.  These weren't beliefs taught by my parents or caregivers; quite the opposite.  I was told things were black and white, right and wrong.  Yet, even as a child I knew life was more complexly beautiful than that.  So, as I navigate this voyage, almost 40 years old, I often wonder, if I'm always on the right path, ending in the perfect destination, doesn't being wonderfully me, present in the unfolding of my journey, constitute enough "greatness" for a lifetime? The mere thought brings up feelings of panic and a sense that I must start "doing" something right away (dishes, writing, going for a run - anything as long as it's something).  That's enough to tell me there is more to unravel.  Is it enough to show up and engage in my life or must I do more? What is the point of all this? What is my sense of purpose? Where does passion fit into the mix? What in the fuck should I be doing with myself? Am I doing "enough?"

Whether I got it from culture, parents, media, etc, I have undoubtedly picked up a message somewhere along the way that tells me in order to be relevant I must do something grand.  In order to be valued I have to create something outside myself that is meaningful, something judged as "enough."  Does this feel accurate? Is it even possible? Isn't simply being me and creating a connected, vibrant life enough? Doesn't that give the universe, the divine, spirit, god, creation, creator pleasure? Deep down, I believe this true.  So then, why the panic?

Perhaps because I do want to create something magical.  I do want to share my light.  After all, I too am the divine.  We all are.  So, if the universe gets pleasure from witnessing the interconnectedness of all beings, it makes sense that I do too.  Perhaps the anxiety comes because my idea of creating magic may not be recognized as enough, relevant, or valuable within the constructs of our society's judgment.  The thought that my light may not be seen as "enough" is a completely validated concern and a simultaneously ludicrous thought.  Still, the questions come.  What if me living my life means I touch no one other than my immediate family, passers by, and a group of friends? Did I do enough? Was I seen? How will I know? This is often the beginning of the panic.  Yet, when I get still I know the anxiety is only there because these thoughts and judgments are representative of separation, disconnection, and it is my job is to find my way back to the peace and calm of connection.

See, I believe creation is in our bones.  It is our core.  We are the divine, spirit, magic, creator.  There is no separation.  I want people to see my creations and I want to experience the creations of the other because they are beautiful light.  They are an expression of the divine.  They connect us all by reminding us of our universal likeness, love.  When we express our divine through creation, and I mean ALL creation - living a connected, expressive life, working in an industry that brings us joy, writing a book, having a successful career, vibrant relationships - we create more light, more love, more joy.. for ourselves and everyone around us.  And what if that is the real purpose of life?

For me, the thought is breathtaking.  So, let me repeat it.  What if the real purpose of life is to create greater connection, light, love, and joy in the world simply through expressing the most connected version of ourselves moment to moment? Stop and take that in.  Sit with it.  Notice your body, your breath.  How do you feel? What comes up? Just observe.  Make room.  Wait.  

For me, it is 1) scary as fuck and 2) full of complete, delicious satisfaction.  I'm a do-er.  I enjoy feedback and results, knowing I have made an impact.  How will I know I have done "my job" if there is no existing marker for success using this definition of purpose? How will I judge my own success? How will I "measure up?" Perhaps that's the point of what the universe is trying to teach me.. the inability to judge my actions by an outside measure.  Only adjusting to the present moment's feedback.  Leaning into what feels like divine connection.  Trusting that.  Feeling vibrant and full of life.  Capturing smiles, tears, the moments of pleasure, and dis-ease.

When I take the time to sit with what it would mean to release all the pressures floating around my head about purpose and greatness, it feels simultaneously scary and freeing.  Scary because this is not the norm.  There are very few models for living life in this space.   Freeing because I would be doing what feels good, guided by my natural, unbridled state of being.  My curious, inquisitive nature, my love for research, the joy I get from sharing experiences with others, the fun I seek to cultivate daily, the active lifestyle that feeds my health and spirit, these would be my guides.  I can envision living life in that state, making decisions from that space, without questioning if there is something more I should be doing.  It would be liberating.  At the same time, I won't pretend I have no fears or questions.  There is still part of me that wants to hold on to the idea that there has to be more to life than that (although I have a pretty good idea that there isn't).  So, I will sit, holding space for all my feelings, allowing every fear, joy, thought, and emotion to come up and I will practice patience, letting the process unfold as it may.  

I recognize that my part in this is simply presence.  I am being asked to listen, observe, allow, accept; watching my thoughts and feelings move in and out, up and down, like the tide of the ocean.  Allowing all the jewels to wash ashore with ease while the muck is taken back out to sea for further refining.  This is how transformation begins.  This is how magic happens.

If you too are pondering life's purpose, wondering if you are doing enough, I invite you to join me.  Begin with opening your mind to the idea of something other than your current definition of success.  Allow your deepest fears and desires to surface.  Consider the possibility that purpose is not something we have to look for outside ourselves.  Instead, be open to the idea that purpose naturally unfolds when we are expressing the most connected versions of ourselves, effortlessly.  Get curious about these thoughts.  Revisit them throughout the day.  Watch the transformation begin.