Today I'm talking willpower.  To begin, let's go back a few of weeks.  It was my birthday and I was feeling a bit hormonal.. melancholy, slightly depressed, and craving all the carbs and sugar.  Kevin and Jagger took me on a special dinner date in Cincinnati and when dinner came near a close we were asked if we wanted dessert.  Now, as you may know if you follow me, I don't do sugar.  I gave it up almost a year ago and have felt amazing ever since.  BUT, it was my birthday and my hormones were screaming at me to do something about those cravings.  The restaurant had one of my favorites on the menu, a chocolate mousse.  Jagger was ordering dessert.  I felt weak.  So, right off the wagon I fell.. straight into the chocolate mousse.  I only had a couple of bites and that was enough to send me into a downward spiral.  I began craving sugar more regularly and I started feeling much more lethargic.  I knew there was something subconscious drawing me back to the sugar because there was no way I'd consciously choose to feel like this.

So, why was it that I was able to choose sugar-free for a year, and then in one dinner, throw it all away? Well, for one, I think it's wrapped up in my belief that enjoying life is necessary and for me, enjoying food is a big part of enjoying life.  In the past I've dealt with periods of living with an eating disorder, silently taking score of every bite I put into my mouth from a very unhealthy space.  In high school I got down to 93 pounds because I refused to eat almost anything other than salad with fat free dressing and the occasional piece of grilled chicken.  I eventually pulled myself from that stupor, vowing to never go back.  So, now that I'm watching what I eat from a space of health and consciousness I find that I sometimes feel I'm missing out on the "fun" things about food (sweets, carbs, etc).  The irony, I know those "fun" foods make me feel like shit, which is absolutely no fun whatsoever.  So, maybe it's time to take a deeper look at my beliefs around what it means to enjoy life, possibly transforming them so I can better enjoy the years ahead.  I have a hunch that it would make willpower much easier to come by.

Secondly, when I'm in an unhealthy headspace willpower is much more difficult to summons.  When I am struggling with anxiety and/or depression I sometimes find myself looking for things to counteract those imbalances.  While I've never struggled with addiction (thankfully I have an automatic stop, even when I get on a roll with something) I can relate to the feeling of wanting something outside myself to help me feel better.  In truth, I believe the only way I can feel better is by changing myself from the inside out.  However, there are moments when a funny movie, glass of wine, visit with a friend, dessert, etc sounds better than meditation and introspection.  So, when I'm in a healthy space I can see that it's best to not even give myself the option of eating sugar, for instance, if I'm anxious or depressed.  The problem is, when I'm feeling weak and undone, I don't always think to take the option off the table.  Add in a special occasion, like my birthday, and I'm doubly screwed.  When I'm feeling well, it takes little to no effort to choose to make grain-free sugar-free treats at home when craving sweets.  That said, anyone who's experienced depression knows it can be a major energy drain, meaning the last thing I want to do is bake and I often don't even have enough brain power to consider this option.  So tending to my mental health (a healthy diet, 5HTP, and essential oils have been a tremendous help) and setting boundaries is an important part of setting myself up for success. 

Finally, I enjoy being a free spirit and having all these fucking rules around food (around anything, really) can cramp my style.  What if I want to try that decadent cheesecake or have some indulgent pasta? Why shouldn't I have those experiences? They feel fun and exciting; perhaps how it would feel to sprout wings and soar high in the sky.  Obviously, I can try those things and many more if I so choose.  The question, is it worth how I'll feel after? Probably not.  I admit, sometimes when I'm feeling great I forget just how shitty I can feel when I don't treat myself well.  When I'm full of energy I forget how it feels to be lethargic, barely able to peel myself from the couch.  When my mind is clear and sharp I forget what it's like to be clouded with brain fog.  When my body feels strong and mobile I forget how it feels to be plagued with joint pain and low blood pressure.  So, even when I'm feeling great it's sometimes easy to get off track.  To feel more empowered during these moments maybe it would be beneficial to have a better understanding of what it means to me to be a free spirit.  Does it mean living completely unbridled, no boundaries?

As I ask myself these questions I see a horse, running free.  She has the largest of fields, green grass blowing in the wind, budding wild flowers, trees in a distance.  She is happy.  The sun is shining upon her.  Butterflies are dancing in the air, a stream nearby.  There is nothing there to harm her.  Only the most beautiful of things for her enjoyment.  She can run and play or sit in the sun.  She is safe.  She is taken care of.  It is as beautiful a sight as it is a feeling.  

So now, what does this vision represent in my life? Living in a safe community.   Being surrounded by people who love me.  Eating the best of food, both healthy and delicious.  Indulging in life.  The life I know to be nourishing.  Fresh, local, organic foods, loving family and friends, kindness, community, a dance with life.  This is what it means to be a free spirit.  Rebelling against the bullshit (such as that the food industry is trying to sell us on).  Going back to the roots of what makes us a loving and codependent society.  Trade.  Friendship.  Peacefulness.  Enjoyment.  Community.  So, maybe being a free spirit is simply doing my jam.  Maybe it's bringing my own dessert.  Dancing to my own tune.  Ignoring the toxic shit being pushed down my throat and creating my own kind of beautiful.  

For me, these are the keys to winning with willpower:  better understanding our beliefs, knowing ourselves, getting in touch with our deepest desires, choosing to honor our true selves.  Then, it only takes a deep breath and a question to bring us back to presence in a tempting situation.  That is, "What do I really want?" In that moment of stillness, between question and breath, that is where we touch our deepest desires and find clarity.  In truth, it does not take willpower to give in to our deepest desires.  It's when we deceive ourselves into believing something else, something "other," is better or more enticing than our deepest truth that we find ourselves in need of willpower.  So, tune in and honor you.  It's always the right choice.