Today I want to talk about family. Not so much the family we were born into. More the family we chose to live, and perhaps procreate, with. The ones with whom we share a chosen commitment and bond. The ones with whom our engagement can set sail a transformational journey like no other. This is also a post about manifesting. It’s a reminder to us all that there is nothing special we need to do to make things happen. The universe has it covered. So just sit back and relax while you read the story of how my family unexpectedly came to be and how it has forever changed the woman I am.

People who know me well, especially those who have shared a relationship with me, know that by nature I’m a runner. That is, you piss me off, I’m gone. You betray me, I’ll cut you off at the knees. Love me too hard, goodbye. It’s always been fairly easy for me to put up a wall, cut people off, and forget about it. It was an independence I learned early in life, I’m sure at least partly fueled by sexual abuse and heartache. So, as I grew older and wanted to formulate real, lasting relationships it became obvious that I would have to face this part of myself. Otherwise, I would keep running and have no one with whom to share my life.

The journey has been long and treacherous. I have (not proudly) left many in the dust on my path to self discovery. If I’m honest, it’s still challenging at times. Thankfully, the people that love me stick in there and hold space for my fear and anxiety, allowing me to run to solitude for a minute to catch my breath before re-engaging in the “tough stuff.”

I think this is on my mind because I’ve had an extraordinarily difficult past month or so and my family has been there for me through every controversial moment. Moving to Florida stirred up all the crap that had settled at the bottom of my life and relationships. It brought to the surface all the garbage that needs to be cleaned out, the changes I want to make. It’s been HARD AS FUCK. Not to be confused with “bad,” just “hard.” AND I couldn’t imagine going through this without my guys, especially the kind of partner I have in Kevin. So, I wanted to share a bit about my journey to this kind of love and how the universe made the perfect delivery even when I didn’t know it was what I wanted (or needed).

See, I’ve had many romantic relationships, some longer than others, all significant in there own way and all in which I kept my partner at an arm’s length. Even when I let him in, part of me kept him at a distance. One of my most memorable relationships was so deeply connected and beautiful because there was distance. We were not exclusive or even monogamous. We completely and wholly enjoyed one another in each moment and let go when we weren’t together. It was an unforgettable work of art. Still, as I evolved I wanted more.

From there I ventured into unknown territory with a close friend, thinking I may feel safe enough to stay. It didn’t hold. As much as I adored him and wanted to be with him something was holding me back.. likely me. After a couple months of spending time together, FaceTiming, and feeling all fluttery inside I knew it wasn’t sustainable. It was too scary to feel that close and connected to another human. It was what I wanted and what I feared. This left me with two big question on the inside, “How would I ever have the relationship of my dreams if I couldn’t work this out? How would I work this out?”

I tried again with another friend with whom I shared a soul connection. He was fun, trustworthy, and perhaps even a bit scared too. That last part may have been what really drew me to him or perhaps it was our kindred spirit. There was never a dull moment with him. We always had something to talk about, witty comebacks, and great sex. Still, this was not enough to sustain us. While our soul connection did not dwindle our romantic relationship did and even though there was nothing either of us could pinpoint, it did not work out. Through all this my desire was still there, calling out from deep within, I wanted a partner. Someone I could team up with, work through the hard stuff, laugh with, enjoy life with, raise Jagger with, live with.

So, I kept holding space. I greeted my meditation pillow every morning. I went to work. I played with Jagman. I believed there was more and I just kept living. I had no idea how or when this relationship of my dreams was going to show up, yet I believed it would. By this time I just wanted someone to share life with and, unbeknownst to me, with every passing day the universe was orchestrating the perfect plan to support my personal work and manifest my dreams. The way it happened still blows my mind. For you I’ll make the long story short.

One morning I was at an energy work appointment when my therapist said to me something like, “Why don’t you ask Kevin to move in with you?” For those of you that don’t know, Kevin is my ex-husband and Jagger’s father, with who I had no intention of rekindling a relationship. At first I was resistant. However, I had been pretty ill and she made some good points about how he could possibly add to the fullness of my life. So, I decided to ask my body for guidance. It unequivocally said “YES!” Oh my. Now keep in mind, at this time I wasn’t considering that Kevin could be the partner the universe was sending, I was simply agreeing to a short term living arrangement. I wasn’t sure what all this looked like. All I knew was I did not want this to impact my meeting my “Mr. Right.” After discussing this with Kevin, a few weeks later he moved in to live on the couch. The rest is history. Four and a half years later we are still conscious partners, committed parents, the best of friends, and passionate lovers.

Looking back I’m in awe of the wisdom in this guidance and my decision to follow it. It was and still is the perfect set up for me to transform my default setting to run and have a meaningful, loving relationship. Kevin’s love for me is so unwavering that even when I want to run he is steadfast. I’m sure, especially in the early days, it wasn’t easy for him to pour himself into me not knowing if I would bolt. Yet, he did, and it was just what I needed to become more steadfast myself. In this way, he is the kind of lover I needed to do my soul’s work. Even still, his unwavering commitment draws me back in when I feel unsure.

In many ways, when I became intimate with Kevin I became more intimate with myself. I got the environment I needed to face these fears and heal my past. In the beginning this was HARD. I remember many energy sessions where I asked my soul if I should stay or go. I wanted to “go” so badly. Yet my commitment to myself and my soul’s work kept me there to heal and evolve. I still have my moments. I still find myself wanting to leave when things feel constricted or when I don’t like what’s happening between us. Relationships are hard ya’ll! At times, I still ask myself, “Can I do this? Should I stay?” Then, when I catch my breath and things settle down a bit, I realize relationships are also undeniably rewarding. This is the beauty of being in a family. The joy even. I can feel like leaving and simultaneously know I don’t want to. I can be supported in my quest for more, my soul’s work, my laughter, my pain. I can show up as all that I am, “good” and “bad,” and know I won’t be abandoned. So, not only did the universe deliver me a partner. I was also given the gift of healing old wounds and changing my way of being in the world. I just had to be open to what I was being given, especially when it didn’t look the way I wanted. Now, years later, I feel so fortunate to have manifested this relationship, perfect for me.

The road to get here was filled with pure magic, every experience leading me closer to my dream, and perhaps the most beautiful part was I didn’t do anything to make it happen. All I did was want for it. I dreamed about what life would be like with a partner to share UK games and Friday night family dinner with. I had fun dating along the way. I felt the heartache of yearning for more. I played with Jagger. I went to work. I partied with friends and cried to those same friends. I just lived life. Perhaps that is the magic of manifesting. Living life through all the ups and downs, not holding on to anything too tightly, experiencing both wanting and gratitude, the yin and the yang, holding space until POOF! One day something appears.. and when it does it’s beyond our wildest dreams.

For more on my story or to learn how to consciously create your own, contact me. I’d love to support you on your journey!