On New Year's Day I awoke with the excitement that, as we do every January 1st, later that evening our family would be gathering for a dreaming session.  It is one of the few traditions we keep and all three of us look forward to it every year.  We light candles, play tunes, burn incense, and pull out the crayons in preparation for our connective ritual of writing and drawing our dreams for the year ahead.  As I lay there in bed, snuggled up to Kevin, I began to think about what I had written in years past and what I would write that day.  In those moments it dawned on me that I'd written one particular dream for several years in a row without it coming to fruition in the way I had imagined.  While sometimes I'm in awe of how a dream morphs into something completely more spectacular than what I had thought up myself, this was different.  I could feel this one hanging out in the ether somewhere waiting on me to get it together.  So naturally, I began wondering what it was that kept this one particular dream's manifestation at bay.  

Almost immediately, before I had the opportunity to cloud myself with judgments, the answer came to me.  My lack of clarity was keeping me from realizing my dream.  Can't get much clearer than that.  See, I am a great manifestor.  I have known this about myself for a very long time.  When I am clear about something, it just happens.  Easy breezy.  No questions asked.  Whether it shows up in the form of random strangers offering me a glass of their high dollar wine, people I meet on the street in a new city giving me their dinner reservation to a greatly sought after restaurant, having my student loans paid off, getting the perfect car (or two) with ease, or simply running in to someone that's on my mind, the universe always matches my clarity with abundance.  So, the answer to my big question felt exactly spot on.  If I truly wanted my dream I was going to have to get clear.  Until then, I'd just have to continue waiting in this loop I'd been in for years.  So, how would I find my clarity if I hadn't done it yet?

First, I needed to recognize where my lack of clarity was coming from.  For me, the biggest culprit was probably fear.  Honestly, at first I had no idea when all this fear business started.  For years I'd been living in la la land, following my every desire.  Trusting my gut and not thinking about whether or not it was "right."  I was a badass woman, a single mom, and I trusted that whatever I chose it would benefit both Jagger and me.  Now, suddenly I found myself scared to make a move! Ugh.  I was not enjoying this new me.  So, I sat with that fear and went back to when it began.  While I'm sure there are roots from further back in my history, I know that the last three or four years played a big part as they were VERY different than how I imagined they would be.  Leaving my job, committing to a new relationship, dealing with health issues, it all left me feeling like I was walking on a fault line, afraid to take the next step.  Up until then, I felt in control, powerful, and had everything planned out.  My savings account had a good amount of money in it, I had no debt to speak of,  and I only had to depend on myself.  However, I was alone and wanted more.  So, I consciously manifested a relationship where I could share my happy with someone and work on my shit.  I just had no idea it would take the form that it did.  So, when I think about it, even though things haven't gone as planned, I'm okay, great actually.. and I got exactly what I asked for.  Sure, I have more debt than when I began this journey.  I'm still living in a city I desperately want to leave.  I've spent a good portion of the past few years in bed or on meds.  Life happened.  I'm still standing.  I'm smiling.  I'm joyous actually.  I have friends and family who love and support me.  I have a truly amazing partner (who is committed to working through my shit and his) and my son lights up my world.  I'm healthy.  I have a warm, inviting home.  My life is truly beautiful.  There are so many positives.  I know I'm fortunate.  I've learned so, so much in the last few years.  When I stop and think about everything as a whole, maybe my bills don't have to be paid off and maybe my life doesn't have to be "perfect" in order for me to feel safe.  Maybe I can allow myself to breathe.  Maybe I can get back to being free and enjoying.  Maybe this is the beginning of a lifelong shift.

So, first up, I acknowledge my fear and consciously let that shit go.  If I'm being honest with myself, it's been really easy to say I have a dream over the last few years, but actually doing something about it was scaring the hell out of me.  My head was spinning out of control  What if I made the "wrong" decision? What if this choice turned out to be a total flop? What if my health derailed? What if it negatively affected Jagger? What if I ended up alone? So many questions seemed to constantly bombard my mind.  In my soul the dream was alive.  I had simply allowed my mind to go bonkers with all the what ifs.  So, over the last few days I've begun to turn that around by simply changing the what ifs.  Here are some of the new questions I ask when I notice myself thinking on a negatively charged question.  What if this makes my life more spectacular? What if it takes Jagger to the next level of happiness? What if I end up with more abundance? What if I love my life even more than I do now? What if I get to shine brighter and smile bigger? What if Kevin and I get everything we've been asking for? What if my health soars? 

Next up, I pay attention to the signs.  This involves trusting my infinite wisdom as well as recognizing the signs from the universe that guide me on my path.  No kidding, when I made this decision I immediately started noticing things.  First, I saw an instagram post about being a great manifestor.  Then, my New Year's card stated something almost identical to the message that came to me during my morning meditation.  I even received a sign through my Apple TV.  I can't make this stuff up! The second part of this is taking notice of how I feel when I think about my dream.  If it lights me up, chances are it's a go (even if it simultaneously feels scary).  I also pay attention to how I feel if I think of not doing/getting it (sadness mostly - that says something, right?).  My internal response to thinking about and feeling my dream realized allows me to see that even though I get butterflies, I really do want it.  So, all the scary parts are probably worth it (and normal).  Another thing I remind myself of, is if I'm having a fear response that's greater than the possibility of what may actually happen (even if it doesn't turn out as I have hoped), then my fear is probably old and not really about my dream.  Maybe it comes from an evolutionary response of fearing being eaten by a bear or starving to death over winter, but chances are it's not in response to my current situation.  So, that gives me a little more distance from the fear in relation to my current experience.

Still, I'm kind of scared shitless to be embarking on this new space in my life.  I've changed the rules for 2018.  I'm dedicated to paying attention to my thoughts and actions and how they affect the manifestation of what I say I want in my life.  I'm no longer making excuses for myself.  I'm working through all the baggage that is holding me back in this area.  Sure, I'm familiar with the process.  I have lots of practice doing this kind of work in other areas of my life.  However, now that new stuff is showing up, in many ways I'm still diving into the unknown.  I'm uncovering another layer of darkness.. the shadows that hold me back.  It's exciting and scary, kind of like before going down the first hill on a roller coaster or taking a leap into nothingness when harnessed to a bungee cord.  I think something will be there to catch me, but I'm not sure what it will look or feel like.  That's trust.  It takes trust. I must trust that my path, in some ways, is also Jagger's and Kevin's path.  I must trust that my choices will enrich rather than harm their lives and mine.  I must trust that my internal knowing is spot on, that my desires will bring greater joy to both myself and those around me.  And maybe most of all, I must trust that I am safe (and so are Kevin and Jagger).  As Queen of our home, it is my responsibility to love and honor myself, my man, and our son.  Part of honoring our family is bringing dreams to their attention that they had not yet dreamt for themselves.  I add beauty and luxe, a hint of magic to make our world more elegant than it was before.  I want that, desperately.  So desperately in fact that I manifested a relationship to support these dreams of mine.  So, now is not the time to cop out.  Now is the time to live the life I have dreamt for myself and my family.  Now is the time.  

In supporting my desires, this year, my list of dreams didn't include "things."  Instead, I created a list of actions and ways of life that would help me manifest all of my desires for the year ahead.  I created a list of reminders to the woman I want to choose to be on the daily.  I created a list of actionable steps to help make 2018 my year of magic.  I can't wait to see what comes!